Church Bulletin #59 If I Only Had a Gun

After the outpouring of support for my last recap ( 3 people) I am charging onward with Episode 302.  I figured since I didn’t get any death threats or cease and desist orders, I would be safe enough.  I’m still hearing all kinds of thoughts from fans about how Starz is ruining Outlander.  Opinions range all the way from Sam and Cait are terrible as Jamie and Claire to stories about Ron and Terry leaving the show, getting divorced over creative differences, and fighting over the dog (none of which is true, yet).  I have continued my efforts to improve scenes from the show, just because I am so fiendishly creative and in tune with the books.  Also, I have nothing better to do… here goes!

Episode 302 


This episode is about how Jamie, Claire, and Fraaank adapt to the cards the fates have dealt them.  It starts in 1757 with the three stooges of Lallybroch (Fergus, Rabbie and wee Jamie) going into the dovecoat (or doocut as Fergus pronounces it).  Anyone can tell they are looking for young boy trouble as they skulk into the building.  Suddenly, a pistol is being passed around.  Fergus brags about his war experiences and how he killed a man with a dagger.  His cohorts are suitably impressed as evidenced by their round eyes and “oooohs”!  They know they are playing with fire because pistols and guns are illegal as a result of the Jacobite uprising.  As they return to the house, they see the Redcoats out front with wee Jamie’s father, Ian.


It is here where we meet the nasty Corporal McGregor.  He is a Scottish turncoat who enlisted in the British army.    He does nasty things like pushing peg-leg Ian so he walks faster to the paddy wagon.  Fergus hates him and proceeds to taunt him.  This leaves MacGregor angry and looking for vengeance, even though he knows Fergus is right.

pizap.com15118016740811You see there is a new Sheriff in town, Captain Samuel Lewis, and he is determined to capture the Dun Bonnet, who he believes is aka Red Jamie aka James Fraser.  (I think he wants a promotion to “Assistant King” just like Lord Melton.)  He warns all of the Lallybroch crowd what the punishment is for hiding an enemy of the Crown.  He also mentions a sizable reward for the Dun Bonnet aka Red Jamie aka James Fraser’s capture, just in case there are any morally corrupt inhabitants in the area who would give up their “Laird” for a few sheckles.   Then they haul Ian off to jail. No one seems very concerned because Ian always comes back. 



In reality, Jamie does hide on the lands surrounding Lallybroch,  where he hunts for food for the family and lives in a cave.  He becomes more and more distant from humanity.  He gets hairier by day.  He talks to a  volleyball named Wilson for company.  (Yep, that’s where Tom Hanks got that from).


The next scene opens with Claire having a wet dream about Jamie…….


No matter how much she tries, she can’t seem to get him out of her mind.  


Despite her sexual fantasies, she works on improving her marriage and her child care skills.  She even delights in seeing Bree turn over by herself.  When Fraaank sees how excited she is, he runs downstairs in a towel talking about fixing the boiler.  He approaches Claire hoping to turn her on with his wet, pasty white, unmuscular body.  Claire does her best by reaching out to touch him with one finger.pizap.com15117206781911

Next we see Jamie in his cave cutting a fish.  I am hoping all the while watching this, that he plans to cook it, because it looks ghastly.  He hears a sound and sees Fergus approaching the cave.  When he gets inside, he tells Jamie about the Redcoats and shows him the pistol he found in the doocut.  He asks Jamie to teach him how to use it for the “next revolution”.  Jamie becomes angry and yells that there will never be another revolution again.  Fergus calls him a coward and Jamie forbids him to use the weapon.


Of course, the very next thing that happens is that Fergus shoots a raven off the roof when Jenny is giving birth to Baby Ian.   Jamie has come out of hiding to “cook the books”, since Ian is in jail.  The sound reverberates around the neighborhood and Jamie is furious with Fergus.  Of course, Captain Lewis and the hated Corporal MacGregor happen to be riding nearby, when they hear the shot! 


The Redcoats charge into the house, just after Jenny has the baby, lets Jamie hold it, and asks about his sex life (Jamie’s).


pizap.com15117249325341Captain Lewis and Slimeball MacGregor report they heard gunfire in the area.  They search the premises, even so much as to rip the covers off of Jenny’s birthing bed!  In the meantime, Jamie is hiding around the corner, holding the baby and trying to keep it quiet.  Now this man must have some special powers because he held that new born, hungry baby for a good five minutes and it never cried.  Maybe the baby thought he was a bear with all that hair!  When Captain Lewis sees a bunch of bloody hay by the fireplace, he realizes that a baby has just been born.   He questions Jenny since she is the only one in the bed.  She tells him that the baby was born dead and the midwife took it away to clean it up for burial.  Just as Lewis is going to send Slimeball to find the dead baby, Mary McNabb enters holding the pistol.  pizap.com15117268334301

Captain Lewis decides Mary is no threat and confiscates the pistol. The Redcoats leave and Jamie goes to dig a grave for the “dead baby” while handing the live one back to Jenny.  Incidentally, Jenny decided to admit that Ian was the father to at least one of her brood and named the new baby, Ian.  Too bad it was a girl.   (Not really, just a wee joke, ye ken?)


Next we find Claire sidling up to Fraaank.  I guess she decided to give him a new nickname, “Better Than Nothing”.   He is startled but believes her when she says she misses her husband.  I didn’t notice him asking her, “Which one?”.  Now I can’t prove it, but I think she was referring to Jamie.   If her breathing is any indication, those are Jamie moans if I ever heard them!


Next we see Ian being returned home by the British in a wagon.  Now, I hate to point out all the nasty things they do to the Scots, but putting handcuffs on Ian as he rides in an open wagon is disgusting!  How can he balance himself with only one normal leg and a peg leg? It must have felt like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride without all the laughter.  After he is dumped off, it appears that the escort detail leaves with the wagon.  But as Fergus is walking toward Jamie’s cave, he realizes he is being followed by them.  Guess who is in charge of the detail?  You got it, Slimeball!  Fergus leads them on a merry chase taunting them while he turns them away from the cave.  Slimeball catches Fergus and makes the other guy hold him down while he severs Fergus’ hand.  Then he has the gall to tell the men to leave him there to let Fergus bleed to death.  Jamie sees all of this as he hides in the woods.  He saves Fergus using the emergency medical techniques Claire taught him (applying a belt tourniquet to stop the bleeding) and takes him back to Lallybroch.  pizap.com15090252454441

Jamie feels very guilty because he did not interfere with what happened to Fergus. Then he runs into Mary McNabb (she always seems to meet up with him somewhere) near a Fraser Crest Tapestry that has been slashed by the British when they last searched the house.  He realizes the British will never give up and more tragedy will befall his family.   He considers his options…..


In the end he decides to get Jenny to turn him into the British.  By doing this he will accomplish several things.  The family will get the reward for turning him in and they will be viewed as British loyalists from that point forward.  Jamie will not have to live alone in a cave and will pay his debt to society (Ian points out that they don’t hang traitors any more and hell just have to go to prison.)  Jenny objects to Jamie being in yet again another prison.  He points out to her that he is already in prison.   They pick a date to do the deed.  The night before, Mary McNabb comes to visit Jamie at the cave.  She brings him food and a little bit of a little bit, if you get my drift. This is where Jamie uses his first pick-up line without Claire, “I havena done this in a very long time.”  I’m not sure if he is reassuring Mary that he doesn’t have an STD or if he is lowering her expectations regarding his stamina. 


After her time with Jamie, Mary realizes what she’s missing and opens a brothel that becomes a worldwide franchise success.


In order to give us a break from Jamie fornicating with someone other than Claire, the scene switches to the Randall family having a dinner party with the  Millie, the oversexed neighbor and her remedial husband, Jerry.  Apparently, Claire has made a dessert from scratch and Millie’s husband wants her to do the same.  Millie says no way about the cooking, but gets praised for her “other talents”.  Claire is having a few cocktails and gives Fraaank  “the look”. As soon as the neighbors leave, the Randalls are on the floor in front of the fireplace (reminiscent of the Claire and Jamie fireplace scene).  Did you notice that Frank grunted when he picked Claire up to put her legs around him and nearly drops her to the floor?  Smooth move , Frank.  pizap.com15091970478371

Fraank doesn’t listen to me, and tries to make Claire look at him while they are in the middle of it all.  Claire doesn’t want to look reality in the face and Frank realizes she has left him for a warmer climate.   He says, “Claire, when I am with you, I’m with you, but you are with him.”  Claire says only one word, “Yep”.  This signifies the end of their sex life.


Meanwhile. Jamie arrives at Lallybroch. as planned. and Jenny has arranged for the Redcoats to be there. They arrest Jamie, put him in chains because he resists, and walk him to the Paddy Wagon.  (Did anyone notice that the wagon looks like the same Paddy Wagon they used to haul off Claire and Gellis to the witch trial?) At his back he hears Jenny yelling, “It’s yer own fault and I’ll neever forgive ye for it!”  Jamie and I both wonder if she really means it!



Meanwhile, Claire decides that homemaking, child care and no sex is not enough for her (despite the fact that Bree is probably one of the sweetest, prettiest babies I have ever seen).


She decides that she wants to become a Doctor in an age where that is just beginning to happen.  She enrolls in Harvard Medical School and becomes the token woman next to the token black.


The episode ends with Claire walking past a bagpiper that Jamie seems to hear, too, which was confusing.  She gives him a donation.  Note to Bagpiper:  You’ll get bigger donations if you look like this:


See you soon with the next recap!  

Church Bulletin # 58 Outlander By Any Other Name – Episode 301

Some of my friends (only 3 ) wondered why I started the “Making Scenes Better” meme series for Outlander.  It started because I was frankly surprised at the animosity from the fans about how the writers were handling the long awaited Season 3.   I was happy to get any version that was even fractionally close to the original.   Some people were rabid about adhering to the book!  I continued to be concerned about Fraser sex.


Of all people, I realize how passionate we are about our love of Outlander.  However, I thought at some point that even President Twitter and The Mean Girls had entered the cacophony of opinions! I waited to see if things would settle down, but when it didn’t, I decided to act.  As usual, I poked fun at the conflict by making memes to “improve” the writer’s work, just like everyone else only different. 


Since I believe a picture is worth at least 10 words, my series was born.  Admittedly, I am only up to episode 304 with my current meme series but I will catch up.  My recaps are miserably behind, also, like I actually never started them.  Consequently, I will be entertaining you with yet another episode recap that has the marked disadvantage of creating material that someone else probably already wrote!  However, here is an exclusive scene that ended up on the cutting room floor.  It happened right after Claire went through the stones.


Episode 301

The Battle Joined

This episode reveals to us the separate battles that Jamie and Claire faced after they left each other at the standing stones at the end of Season 2.   The opening scenes show the immediate aftermath of the Battle at Culloden.  We see torn Jacobite flags and weapons being tossed in wagons, while soldiers pick the pockets of the dead and stab any Scots still alive in the piles of corpses on the fields. Jamie is still alive and drifting in and out of consciousness, but no one seems to notice him (as if).   Admittedly, it was difficult  to find something funny about this scene.   However, I did wonder who was on top of Jamie, even though I’ve read the book .  


All right, all right.  Back off!  Everyone knows I have no heart. Everyone knows that I’ll make fun of anything.  If you came to this blog for hearts and flowers,  you’ll have a hard time finding any.  Get over it!  Anyway, I was surprised when he found out that BJR was keeping him warm, that he didn’t jump up, and run away screaming.   I guess it is a bit difficult when you’re bleeding to death.  

Attention! Back to my recap and make it snappy! 

So Jamie slips in and out of it while memories of the battle flash in his mind.  Of course, I couldn’t resist correcting and improving this scene!


Eventually Jamie kills BJR, but his death scene was, well, ridiculous.  RDM raved about Tobias Menzies in this scene, but all I wanted to do was laugh.  As BJR is taking his final breath, he looks a Jamie lovingly, reaches out for him, falls forward, and dies kissing Jamie’s neck.   This is a scene out of Monty Python if I ever saw one!


Well, the war is plain awful and there’s nothing more to say except that Bonnie Prince Charlie is just a Foppy Flop and he went on to live a long but miserable life!  That Irish guy, O’Sullivan, telling the Prince that the cannon fire is just a diversion from the British, is ridiculous! Murtaugh shows up, too, but disappears mysteriously and it’s all just messy!

pizap.com15077258889211 - Copy

One good memory that Jamie has from the battle was……




Later on,  Jamie is saved by the ghost of Claire who turns into Rupert who carries him off the battlefield to a semi-roofless stable.


Meanwhile, Claire is fighting her own battle starting a life with Fraaank in Boston. They look for a house, meet the neighbors and visit Fraaank’s cronies at Harvard.  Many times during this transition, Claire wishes she had stayed with Jamie at Cuilloden and died.





While Fraaank does a lousy impression of John Wayne and says Claire should “Rustle up some vittles”, Claire does her best to not kill him with her six-shooter.


The episode returns to Jamie who is now laying in the stable.  The British discover the group hiding there and proceed to execute the Jacobite soldiers one by one.  Jamie watches as each of the men, including Rupert and the two 16 year old boys, are taken out, tied to a post and shot.  Jamie cries (in a very manly way).  The executions are overseen by Lord Melton, who we later find out is connected to Jamie’s past in an unusual way. 

I suppose that there is some dignity in all of this, because Rupert thanks Lord Melton for shooting him as opposed to hanging.  Lord Melton also shows his effort to provide a dignified death by insisting that the men, who are so injured that they cannot walk, will be supported so they can be standing up to be shot, despite their pain.  How kind can anyone get?



It gets to be Jamie’s turn to be shot and when he says his name, “James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser”, Lord Melton’s back gets even stiffer!


Lord Melton realizes he must honor his brother’s vow of honor by sparing the life of the notorious Red Jamie.   He orders his assistant to put Jamie in a wagon and bribe someone to take him back to his home.    Once again, Jamie avoids imminent death.  When Jamie arrives at Lallybroch, he is greeted by his loving sister and Ian.


Meanwhile, Claire is in Boston fighting off Fraaank’s advances and delivering a healthy baby girl.  When Claire’s hormones kick in she gets all teary-eyed and tells Fraaank they can have a new beginning.  Fraaank agrees because he thinks he can still get some from her.  Then the nosy nurse comes in and wants to know how the baby got her red hair.  


So that’s my take on Episode 301. I think the writers did a fine job with this episode , but I think they could have enhanced the scenes based on my advice.  Since I am not  being paid to enhance their work, I guess my viewpoint is moot.  So are the hundreds of other amateur critics from our fandom!  It’s kind of like attending a hockey game and sitting in front of an amateur color commentator.  They offer comments throughout the game which are usually off the mark.  I often turn my head all the way around and say :


 See you soon with my scintillating unpaid commentary on episode 302!

How about those Bolts? 

Church Bulletin Number 57, “Why It Takes So Long”

As you know, I am all about service to the Sam Heughan/Outlander fandom.  When Starz announced that Outlander, Season 3 wouldn’t be aired until September, 2017,  I knew I had to dig deeper.  Like all of you, I was wondering why it takes so long to get 13 stinking episodes ready for TV?  After all, the last episode was aired in June of 2016.  Ron D. Moore said they were already working on Season 3 for a while, so it looks like it will take at least 18 months to get this show on the road!   Cecille B. DeMille filmed “The Ten Commandments” in less time (or so I was told when I met with him to finally discuss my close up).  

Seriously, though, let’s put this in perspective.  From design to completion, it took 20 years to build the Step Pyramid of Djoser.  (Yes, I think this is the same Pillsbury Doughboy name as in the original Ghostbusters!)    It took one year and 45 days to build the Empire State Building.    It takes 9 months for a human baby to gestate. It takes about 6 months to build a 2,300 square foot home.   It amazes me that something like 13 television episodes could take so long to complete! 

There had to be a reason, so I began my research.   Over a period of 60 days, I found some answers.  Mostly I made them up to entertain the fandom, but I’ll bet I hit the head on the nail as a drunken Anastasia Steele says to Christian Grey in 50 Shades part one!  (I never said I was above plagiarism.)  The more my ideas flowed, the more I believed that they could be true. 


The first thing I did was look at all of the different departments that work on Outlander.  The cast and crew is vast!  


 I won’t belabor that my “The Making of Outlander Season 3”  series was underappreciated or misunderstood.  Here is the entire set of memes for your edification.  Caution:  Viewing more than 50 memes in one setting can have potential side effects like night blindness, eczema, mild diarrhea, nervous tics, incoherent babbling and gas (not really). 

I really loved those microphones!


I love the way Starz made Outlander in the Caribbean look so much different than Black Sails!  It’s amazing!

Who can forget the “Blue Light Special”?



I never realized how much action  takes place behind the cameras!


I wonder if I’ve been too hard on Fraaaank?   Nope, Nope, don’t think so!


I really enjoyed my birthday!



My Shakespeare phase…..

Sometimes, she just makes it too easy.  Love ya’, Terry!


I was feeling the strain of keeping this series going.  I was running out of things to make up!  I decided to take a vacation.  



I returned with renewed enthusiasm. Then I realized that even though shooting had ended,  we still had to wait……..


Then the cast and crew of Outlander went on their vacations which gave me fodder for further fantasies (Ahem, now that is alliteration at its finest! I wonder how many more “F” words I know?).

A few fantasy pick-up shots were made to finalize the production.

And then the voice of a child reached out to the fandom and me…..


And that is when I quit.  Yes, I walked away from it all.   No Twitter, No Facebook….nothing.   I was tired of waiting and whining.  I pulled the menopausal meme card again by recognizing that I was all dried up and Starz was not giving me much to work with! 

So, I made an Elvis exit (notice the cape)!


I know that the fandom treasures these books and the series.  But someone actually chastised me for planning to make fun of Season 3!  Have they not noticed the past 400 memes I have made or read any of the Church Bulletins?  I love this story, but if anyone ever thought I wouldn’t make fun of anything and everything….they don’t know Norma D and cannot be saved!  Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!  Lighten up!

I’ve taken a break and am ready to start the snark again.  A quick trip to the local hospital for a snark infusion has improved my outlook.  


Season 3 is up and running, and I have some new material with which to work (Thanks Starz)! I plan to make snarky recaps soon.  In addition, I am going back to clean up some earlier work for CoH that I did when I didn’t know what I was doing!  Thank goodness I know what I’m doing now, don’t I?




Church Bulletin # 56, The Art of Diversion


Over the past few weeks my Droughtlander 2.5 memes have taken a different course.  I’m not making snarky remarks and double entendres for everyone in the cast and crew of Outlander, nor am I  whining about the interminable, never-ending, vacation and filming schedule between Season Two and Three.  At about the 216th consecutive meme and seventh blog article since Season Two ended, a darkness settled over the land and Droughtlander 2.5 took on a whole new meaning!

For the few of you who may have missed them, here’s what has transpired (make sure to read them all….they tell a riveting story:pizap-com14869131906001


It was amazing the responses this vein of meming garnered from our followers -all the way from “Norma D is irreplaceable!” to  “WTF does this have to do with Outlander?” to “Norma D is an abomination!” to “Kill the old bird and stuff her!”    It was amazing in its variety.

The Interviews Began…..


Sam needed more help…..



  The interviews continued.

Some people thought I was doing the same thing I did last April Fool’s Day.

But that is not my plan.  Devious as it is, I have a plan and it has nothing to do with April Fools.  



I went off on this tangent for several reasons.  First I wanted to let the fandom know that nothing is spared from my snark including me……


Second, I knew they could never find a replacement for me. 


Thirdly (is that even a word?) uh third, I wanted to provide a diversion for the fandom regarding the horribly torturous announcement that Outlander would not return until September!   I’ll bet you have hardly thought of the delayed airing of Outlander, with your concern over the fate of moi (Norma D)!


So you see, my nefarious plan worked!  And it had nothing to do with April Fool’s!  We’ll have to name a new holiday for March 20. How about the Almost an April Fool’s Day?  


All this is done in the name of entertaining the fandom!  Now that the diversion is accomplished, where do I go from here?  I will begin illegally using Season 3 stills for my memes until Season 3 starts in September or I get arrested by the Starz/Outlander Police (SOPS).  You’ll see me on their new TV show:



With that I leave you my parting thoughts:




Church Bulletin #55 “Southeast Asia or Bust!”

Over the past holidays, I traveled to Southeast Asia for a taste of the East.  Let me preface this by saying that I know most people don’t like travel pictures.  I remember sitting with my parents’ friends as a kid, being bored to death by the thousands of pictures, etc. 

pizap.com14859728674761.jpgI decided I would try to incorporate Outlander/Sam Heughan references to make this more entertaining for Church members.  


Preparing for this trip was difficult because of the luggage restrictions in steerage. I was supposed to check one bag, bring one carry-on and a “Personal Item” all with specific measurements for the size and weight of each object.  Hell, I need a piece of luggage just for my turbans! Check-in was rough.  I had to re-pack my bags right in the middle of the boarding area.  Underwear was flying along with every curse word I know.   (I had to dump the flowers because they exceeded the liquid restrictions for the airline).  In the end, I was sweating like a pole dancer in a strip club with no air conditioning and my hat was askew!




I flew from Tampa to Newark  (3 hours) and then the grueling flight from Newark to Hong Kong (16 hours).  Unfortunately, CoH does not pay me enough for a first class seat complete with bed and free booze.  I was back in steerage, sharing one toilet for 500 (it seemed like), paying $10 for a tiny cocktail and sitting in a 3’x 3′ space that has even a shorty like me feeling the squeeze.  In addition,  there is less air and more smells in steerage.  I likened it to Claire riding with Murtaugh, the first time they met.  Now if I were squeezed between two Sam’s, well I might not complain as much.


Upon Arrival in Hong Kong, I checked into a hotel for a couple of days to acclimate myself to the  13 hour time difference.  In all honesty,  I can’t remember where I stayed.  I blanked out for a while.  This is what I recall….pizap-com14852777293521

The next day, I awoke refreshed and ready for a tour of Hong Kong! We spent lot of time looking up (like the Backstreet Boys under Madonna’s skirt.) The buildings were so tall, I had to lay on the sidewalk to see the top!  After two motorbikes ran over me, I was forced to get up, (there is no pedestrian right of way here!)   We took an incline railway tram to the highest point in Hong Kong, suitably named the Peak or Victoria Peak.    When we reached the top, we were surrounded by clouds and those tall buildings looked small from above.


I rode a sampan in Hong Kong Harbour,  It amazed me how the sampans were stored at the foot of those colossal buildings! I ate lunch at the largest floating restaurant in the world, appropriately named Jumbo Kingdom! I ate Jumbo Shrimp, Jumbo Popcorn Chicken, Jumbo Fried Rice and Jumbo Muffin Tops! I was Jumbo Stuffed!!pizap-com14852866537411

Then of course I saw Hong Kong by night.  It was Christmas, remember, and all of the buildings dressed up for it!  It was beautiful!  pizap-com14852873768501

My favorite building of all was the clock tower.  It was so long and hard and it reminded me of something  I’ve seen (but not for a long time) before.   Every time midnight struck, I was fascinated. I felt drained when the evening ended.


The next day, I boarded the cruise ship I would be taking for the next step of my journey!  They welcomed me with open arms and people were asking for my autograph!pizap-com14857910115621

We set sail for Hue, Vietnam.  When I traveled with Bob Hope during the Vietnam War, Hue was the place where soldiers went and could buy anything or anyone. When they came out of various establishments they said, “Hoooey!” while wiping their brow.  Hence the name “Hue”.   Today it looks more like Clearwater Beach but with more tattoo and massage parlors!


There was a lot to take in, but the most unusual storefront I saw was this one…..


When it comes to the weather on this trip, Adrienne Cronauer described it best in  the movie, Good Morning, Vietnam


The next day we headed to Ho Chi Minh City (Formerly Saigon).  It occurred to me how funny it would have been to have the Broadway Hit “Miss  Saigon” call “Miss Ho Chi Minh .”


Ho Chi Minh City is nothing but hundreds of thousands of motor bikes!   It is hot, humid, loud, big, and a mixture of many cultures.  People who live here can handle all of this with seemingly good grace. The city is exciting but a bit frantic, as evidenced by these pictures:


After several days at sea , we arrived in Bangkok, Thailand.  Sadly, their King, Norodom Sihanouk had recently died and they will be mourning him for a year.  We were asked to be respectful by wearing black and white. This is what flashed through my mind (before I got serious).pizap-com14859748203352

Throughout  the city of Bangkok, the government buildings were draped in black and white bunting.  Many pictures of their King were placed in strategic locations. I imagined Beetlejuice jumping out everywhere! 


One of the more interesting sites in Bangkok, was the Wood Pavilion, the Sanctuary of Truth. Construction of the Sanctuary of Truth began in 1981 and is not expected to be finished until the year 2025.  The reason is that each piece of the construction is hand carved.


Thousands of wooden sculptures adorn the interior walls of the Sanctuary of Truth. These sculptures are said to represent the seven creators, Heaven, Earth, Moon, Father, Mother, Sun and Stars. I did notice one thing about the female sculptures. They all had very perky round bewbs….every one!  I felt like Elaine on Seinfeld when she went to the restaurant with the well-endowed waitresses!


I almost headed to the ACLU when I came across this fella.


Our last city to visit was Singapore, one of the safest, cleanest cities in the world.  (They give you $50 fines (US) for spitting or littering on the sidewalk)!  I tried to control myself since I was down to my last $25.  A very modern city, it prides itself on how green they are!  No concrete jungles here, just concrete with jungles! This example is the Marina Bay Casino, Convention Center and Resort.  The SkyPark on top of the building (1120 ft. long)  has infinity pools, lush parks, and other amenities. 


One of our stops was the breathtaking National Orchid Garden. I felt like I was going to the prom!

pizap-com14860536516731pizap.com14860524047841.jpgUnbelievably, Singapore has a China Town and it was time for Chinese New Year! 


I came across a friend of mine trying to decide what was for dinner!


I bid a fond farewell to Singapore and their Merlion spewed their delight over my departure!!


Then I discovered what hell is like.  My return to the US was grueling!  I got up at 5 a.m. so I could leave the ship and tour Singapore.  I got to the airport at 5 p.m. but didn’t fly out until 11:30 pm.  I must say that if one has to sit in an airport for 6 1/2 hours, it should be in Singapore. 


Next I flew 13 hours to Frankfurt, Germany.  If you ever have to spend 15 minutes in an airport, this is not the place.  I had to stay 5 hours.  Typically German, the airport is utilitarian and efficient to say the least. (One could easily hose this down every night).


Five hours later I flew from Frankfurt to Tampa which took 11 hours.  By my calculation I was awake 47 hours.    I had two things to declare when I returned to the U.S. 




Yes, I was really that tired!


Church Bulletin #54 Two Years Later….

The Church of Heughanology is two years old.  I was thinking about what is different today than when I started.  As I look at my body of work (my body looks different too), I am surprised how much could carry over year after year after year.    I decided  to analyze my  topics so we can see how much is new and how much just keeps repeating like a nice plate of boiled cabbage.


My first few articles were centered around trying to define what the Church of Heughanology was all about (a lifestyle, not a religion).  Since this was my first ever blog, my first ever experience with social media, and my first involvement with a “fandom”, it was more for me than any of my non-existent readers.   I laid out the membership by-laws, the secret language, the levels of membership, and the historical significance of my work.


I was certain that this blog would be of no interest to anyone but me.  I soon discovered that CoH was just what the doctor ordered for the growing Sam Heughan/OL fandom. It has become a safe harbor where it was okay to do or say just about anything, because there were so many of us doing the same crazy things!  Of course, the Chief and Only High Priestess’ snarky sense of humor and mastery of the double entendre, didn’t hurt. If I must say so myself, it added a significant sense of incredulity to the site.  I have spared no one from my biting commentary- Sam, Cait, Ron D Moore, Terry,  Fergus, and on and on.    Suffice it to say, this little unknown picayune POS (Piece of s–t) blog has been viewed by over 60,000 people from 92 different countries!  Most of them looked like this:

pizap-com14779274875132Next I began a series of postings based on the news of the day :

  • Sam reaching 100K for his TW followers
  • Sam’s first Anglo-Fan Award (Who can forget the “stiff one”)
  • Expanding on Language of Heughanology definitions like “Starz Tease Expertise”
  • Dream Memes and stories (Gallery of Glamour 1 & 2)
  • The only time Sam Sang and Danced  (Because Himself is Happy with the Ladies of Outlander

It was all so interesting.  As I look back, perhaps my estimation was a bit self-inflating. 


Then 2015 arrived and more new things happened.   I did my first Pocket Jamie/Pocket Claire puppet show about the infamous WEDDING NIGHT!  Second Banana Theater was a big success and something new for my homies here at CoH!  Who can forget this?  

Remember Sams Fan Follow?  I was fortunate to be able to interview most of the people who were picked to have Sam follow them on TW for a week!  The interviews were lots of fun to do and gave the membership a chance to share in the Fan with the Golden Ticket’s good fortune! 


In addition, the infamous “spanking scene” was approaching so I addressed it in “50 Shades of Jamie” which was my all time, most read posting in the two years I have been blogging.  In my opinion, it was not my best effort, but the poster was phenomenal!



Then the battle began over the Shippers of Outlander Fandom.  I addressed this in an article called the Mean Tweets!  It never affected me, because however a fan wants to be involved in the fandom, doesn’t bother me.  I like fans just the way they are.  I just never could understand what was so bad about the Shippers that the Non-Shippers had to get so upset about and vice versa.   I just hate meanness or bullying in any form. So, I wrote my article, thinking I would be the next victim.  It never happened and I finally realized what I had to say wasn’t really important to anyone else!  I breathed a sigh of relief.  The fandom was restored to its proper place in my life.


It amazes me how many readers think I really know Sam.  It’s a strange kind of metaphysical “shipping”.   Norma D (a movie character who is not real) is the High Priestess if his Church (which is not real), and he must have to meet with her about it so he knows what she’s doing (which he doesn’t know or care about his Church), so she must know him (which I don’t).  I’m not out to shatter anyone’s dreams here, this is a farce!



Then, I went to South America and wrote five postings about my adventures.  Many people thought it was made up, but I want to assure you , everything I wrote about, I experienced (except for the stuff about Sam because I make all of that up!) It’s a theme throughout my life, the strange and ridiculous are attracted to me (although I haven’t run into Trump yet)***

***My blog/my opinion.  No need for commentary.  If you don’t like it, don’t read it!  It’s just a joke.



  The weirdest meme I ever did, so far.

 When I returned from South America, it occurred to me that Outlander was a lot like an old movie I loved, you know the one.   So, I tackled a scholarly dissertation comparing  Outlander to “The Wizard of Oz”.   University Professors from all over the world, wrote comments to tell me how far off the mark I was.  What do they know?  You know the saying about, “If you can’t do it, teach!”  All of my academia critics certainly fall into that category.  Was I wrong? Take into consideration we were in the midst of Droughtlander 1.5 and I was trying to entertain the troops, just like the Andrews Sisters!  Here is proof positive I am only slightly off my rocker.

Then I decided to address the agony of addiction…Outlander Addiction.  I created a 12 step program to maintain your OL addiction during the Loooooooooooong hiatus.  Nobody talks about how hard it is to maintain your addiction without fresh material, especially during the overly long Outlander break between Season 1 and 2.  Withdrawal is not something I could easily overcome, but my 12 steps kept the die-hard OL fans addicted (or at least distracted). 


After this, I started my campaign for an Emmy for our leader Sam Heughan (and the other folks associated with Outlander), but mostly Sam.  


We even came up with Outlander Not Your Usual Emmy for Everything as a two part blog posting!  As we all know, they got bupkiss (except for a nomination for the music of Bear McCreary!)   I was righteously angry and did a blog about the OL Snub! If you read it, it could apply to this year’s Emmy’s except OL got a nomination for Costume and Set Design.  The same nominees, the same TV shows, the same dumb Emmy Nominating Committee! I didn’t bother  addressing it again!  I likened this love of Outlander to loving a home town sports team and the Emmy Nominating Committee to the referees.  I know I’m not far off…….

This is how the ENC reasons.  Lets just vote for the shows we know then we don't have to work too hard.


The whole process of actually starting this blog has been a learning experience for an old lady who retired and had no direction to take once she did.  I never blogged, or even wrote anything for others to read.  I never knew anything about fandoms.  I didn’t know how to cut and paste, meme, or anything else that I have discovered to make my efforts more interesting.  I mentioned my Remedial Meming    achievements in an article about my new hobby!  Just shows to go ya that you can teach an old dog new tricks!  Here’s a couple I particularly liked for the artistry and wit.

Throughout this blog I have repeatedly mentioned my multiple personality disorder.  At one point I actually became some of the visitors that inhabit my psyche, including Norma D.    It explains a great deal about me, if anyone ever wondered WTF I was about.  

 And of course……t_306574297pizapw1452990801

The one year anniversary was fast approaching and I decided to try a whole new idea for my Blog!   I did a Star Wars crawl about the Highlanders saving Nutlandia.  It was, my first effort at cut and paste.  Not too bad, but not the best.  The story was witty, though. 

I also did a contest and the winner got a “Do It Yourself Norma D Kit” which included Long Black Gloves, a cigarette holder, a Leopard Turban and a Leopard wristlet.  It was a great Halloween costume next year.


And the Winner is…..

Recently, I seem to be writing less articles, because I’m seeing the same things happen over and over.  I did my first Outlander Recaps of Season 2 and that was grueling.  I wrote about My Peak Challenge, Waiting for Outlander, a shark-jumping  article related to the Leghair changes in the TV series, and then at my lowest point, an article on euphemisms for the male dangling participle.   Besides a second blog, the 56 articles for CoH, hundreds of memes, and many hours spent voting, what more can I do?  Could this be a subtle message from somewhere telling me to stop this insanity and walk directly to the blog writers graveyard?  Is it enough already?




 Then I hear from some people on FB or TW about how they love to get my  memes for their daily chuckle.  Some of them tell me its the only funny thing in their lives.   I’m not sure if its my ego or my innate search for meaning in my retirement, but those comments make me feel good, like I’m really helping.    I have received thousands of positive messages, likes, loves, and reactions to my work (which always amazes me)!  I thank you for your support.  I’ve had so much fun and laughed harder than anyone else at my own stuff!  So I’ll keep doing this until I have no readers or I die, whichever comes first…..


I guess the cabbage will have to keep repeating for a little while longer.   I know Sam will be relieved.

Church Bulletin #53 Norma D in Limboland

I get out of bed, give my dogs a treat, make a cup of coffee, and begin my day by sending out memes to remind OL fans what’s missing from our lives.    All I’d need to add is a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, giant curlers in my hair and a some fuzzy slippers! Just look me up in  the dictionary!pizap.com14706973013231

I have tried to serve the fandom for over two years through the Church of Heughanology, memes, Starz Wars crawls and birthday cards, but I need to do more to fill this void!  Think back to what our lives were like when Season 2 was being aired.  For 14 weeks, I felt alive and interesting.  I got dressed every day.  I got my nails done. I drank more wine.  I ate French food.  I even bought a new outfit for every Saturday night, just like Claire in every scene! When it ended, I fell back into my old habits.  But Norma D, your Chief and Only High Priestess and Warrior Princess, never rests.   I put my thinking cap on to explore what I could do to entertain our fandom during Droughtlander 2.5?   


Then, like a lightning bolt, it came to me!  (I think the hat attracted the electricity. I hope I didn’t suffer any permanent dain bramage!)  What if I built a theme park with rides and attractions to make any Outlander fan forget their misery? A place all of us could visit and capture the essence of Outlander without the cast and crew having to work 24-7 for us!   Tadah!   Here is the result:


As I worked on a presentation for my investors, I came up with some ideas for rides and attractions.  Besides the Outlander Bookmobile and the Autographed Bobbleheads, these are a few of the offerings ahead:

Outlander’s Highlander Hatchery

An up close look at where all those hunky highlanders are born.  It turns out that Outlander has figured out how to grow their own!  See them in their natural habitat in various stages of development.  I won’t tell you which of the cast came from the Highlander Farm, but suffice it to say, they were some big ones.


Jamie’s Tilt-a-Kilt

This is a fun ride featuring 6-8 seats surrounded by tartan!  As participants whirl around on the ride, they get to peak under Jamie’s kilt.  At the end of the ride,  a big surprise pops up!  


Standing Stoned

Claire and Master Raymond will be offering home-made hallucinogens and other medicines at their apothecary, Standing Stoned.  A few of their offerings will be:


After ingestion, customers will be treated to a psychedelic version of Prestonpans!  Just imagine it now…..


Madame Elise’s Fun House

This is a great place to drop off husbands and boyfriends (much like one drops off unwanted babies at the hospital).  Even die hard “Outlander is a chick-flick/chick book” believers will have fun here!   It’ll be tough to get them to come home!  (Not such a bad idea for some????)  Then you can traipse through the park alone while drooling to your heart’s content!  (There is a comparable site for your kids too! See Children’s Activities).  Psst….they might even bring you  home a souvenir dildo!


 Mill Pond Jamie’s Wild Water Slide

This ride is best done naked with your legs apart!  Thrill to the plunge and get the ride of your life!   Hours are limited due to wrinkling.   (Jamie can only take so much exposure!)  Be prepared for long lines.


Wentworth Prison Hanging Ride

You’ll be hanging around this ride.   Timed to last as long as you can hold your breath, the thrill is in surviving!  Only for those who like to live on the edge!   It starts with each person standing on a hangman’s structure (Much like this one).


Then the floor falls away and your swinging like a-well-a hanged man. (A change of clothes is recommended.)pizap.com14707521777901

Death to Black Jack Randall Shooting Gallery

Bring your hatred for Black Jack Randall and zap it away!  Souvenir Black Jack Dolls for all players!  No time limit.  No shot limit. You’re free to shoot the s–t out of him with no fear of arrest!  Ready! Aim! Fire!pizap.com14707553472141  The Outander Community Players

During park hours, there will be four shows daily starring the cast of Outlander.  Performers will vary depending on availability and/or if they died in the show.  Here is a sample program for our first musical offering :


We are planning to add an “Outlander on Ice” show,  “Outlander and Beyond” (a Bear McCreary concert),  The Horses of Outlander (a show starring Donas and Thistle joined by the Versailles Mounted Stallions Brigade), and The Fraser Family Sex Show (self-explanatory).

Frank Randall’s Wild Ride

Ride with Frank Randall to the Standing Stones and listen to him bleat Claire’s name like a sheep!  “Claaaaiiiirrrreee!” Go over hill and dale in his snazzy 1946 “Somethingorother.”   The ride ends with Frank going downtown!  Like Rainman, Frank is a very good driver! Def…def…definitely!


Limboland Café

Mrs. Fitz has been busy adapting her 1743 recipes for delicious food served in a modern theme park!    Some of her favorites are Haggis Balls, Chorizo Bannocks,  Black Pudding Pretzels, and Shortbread Corndogs!


Mrs. Grahams Palm Reading Parlor

For those of us who would like the forks in our palms explained, Mrs. Graham will be available for readings by appointment only.   She also will be selling Mary Kay Creams and Emolients.  A little lotion can do a lot for cracked palms.  The lotions could give you a whole new outcome to your reading!


Children’s Activities

Earlier, I mentioned there would be programs for our children.  When you arrive at Limboland, you can dump the kids off at Mrs. Crook’s Day Care Center.  There are many fun events planned for the kids, while you are off dreaming and drooling! 

Wee Roger’s Airplane Ride 

All the kids will want to jump on board Wee Roger’s Airplane.  The good thing about this is that as Wee Roger grows up and gets bigger, so does his airplane!  It makes sense.  Little boys have little airplanes and big boys have big airplanes.  I volunteer to be the flight attendant on Big Roger’s Big Airplane.   I think there is some double entendre here that is not fit for children, but I couldn’t help myself. 


Leghair’s Ill-Wish Craft Party

Hours of fun making ugly crafts to give to your least favorite teacher, uncle, or sibling.  Children will learn what feathers, stones, bones, weeds, human hair and string can do to bring you bad luck! 


Fergus Fraser’s Pickpocket Academy

Learn the tricks of petty thievery as Fergus does it in Outlander.  This could serve you later to feed the parking meter.  Send your little one out to lift some spare change when you’re a “little short” (just like Sandringham’s dwarf).  The kids also learn what to do if they get caught, to avoid a jail sentence.  

pizap.com14707810454501.jpgNo Police Officer could arrest a child with these excuses!  Not only is the training fun, but it could turn into an occupation for some of the more dexterous of the students.

Mary’s Merry Go Round

When she heard about Limboland, Mary Hawkins invested her widow’s pay from the British Army to build this ride for the children!  Our safety rules are the most stringent in the industry. 

Use the seat belts.  

Hold on with both hands.

Keep your hands and feet within the ride.

Ride as long as you want.  If you puke, you’re out!


Let me just say, I am not delusional.  I know I’ve gone off the deep end with this.  So far, the investors are impressed.  I have collected $14.32 (US) so far but that was what I found under the couch cushions.  I still have a way to go in order to get this project off the ground.  At this rate, Limboland will be in limbo until book nine is published, distributed, read 5 times, and filmed for TV.  At least after reading this, there are only 7 or 8 months left to wait.  7 or 8 months is really only 6 1/2 or 7 1/2 months if we start getting previews.  It could be even less if Lionsgate (new owners of Starz) puts the pressure on about meeting ROI (Return on Investment) projections sooner than expected.  So, it could be 5 or 6 months!  There’s the holidays somewhere in there.  They’ve already started work on Season 3! So, it could be 2 or 3 months when you take all of that out.  You just have to believe!


The High Priestess Weighs in on Outlander, Season 2, Part Cinq

Well, this is it -The last Hurrah, the Final Curtain, the Last of the Mohicans,  the end of Outlander, Season 2.  It has been fun doing this recap.  I never did recaps before because there are so many great racap blogs out there, mine wouldn’t add anything new.  Well, I guess I looked at Season 2 in a different way and have had great feedback from our church members and visitors.    It was not easy to do Season 2 in 5 installments.  Can you imagine the writers trying to get in all the pertinent and beloved information from Dragonfly in Amber in 13 episodes!    I have a new respect for what they do.  Everyone is lucky I am not one of them.  I will recap my recap thoughts at the end of this posting.  I better get on with it…..

Episode 212:

This episode was called the Hail Mary and it certainly was.  There were so many Hail Mary moments, I was short of breath (SOB in medical abbreviation, which always made me giggle as in ‘Patient was SOB’  I knew he wasn’t very nice, but should someone call him that in a medical record?)   But I digress.  Our episode opens with the exhausted Fraser soldiers, coming into Inverness.  They had been retreating for five months, with little food or rest.   Lucky those who have a horse. Either you can ride it or eat it…Poor Thistle!

Even though they are exhausted, Jamie orders Dougal to go scout out the British Army location.  Murtaugh is asked to pick up the Bonnie Prince and bring him to the War Council aka Cone-uh-Clan (see Installment Quatre) Head Meeting.  Fergus immediately goes to sleep and Murtaugh covers him up with what looks like a horse blanket.  Claire decides to go into Inverness to replenish her medical supplies.  (I don’t know why she didn’t pick them up along the road as they marched.  There should be plenty of stuff in the fields, but maybe it is getting too cold to find herbs.)  But I digress, again.    It appears that every town has an apothecary (kind of like a Walgreen’s on every corner today).  When she goes inside, she runs into, Mary Hawkins! (Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine)!  Mary is none too happy to see her.pizap.com14683333463961

Mary gets her order of arsenic and old lace.  Suspecting Alex is worse, Claire asks if she can stop by their lodging to apologize to Alex. Mary agrees (remembering Claire is a healer, I’m sure).   Claire returns to camp trying to find necessary supplies.  Claire calls for help!20160710_130721000_iOS

Jamie comes back frustrated after the War Council meeting  because BPC is pushing the clans to battle the British at Culloden.  Jamie tells BPC to look at the troops with no food, no rest, and the increasing cold.  Plus Culloden is a good place for a battle for the British, but not for the Scottish.  Of course, BPC and the clans all deny that their men are tired, hungry, demoralized from the retreat, and/or cold. 

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Claire decides to visit Mary and Alex.  Claire discovers a very weak Alex with Mary trying to take care of him.  Of course, Claire is the only one who can do that properly, so she starts mixing up her potions.  Suddenly, Alex says hello to Johnny and Claire freezes. 


Yes, it’s Black Jack Randall and he is not in uniform.  Doesn’t matter, he’s still evil.   Claire decides to leave and come back later. Black Jack follows her out and accosts her on the street.  He asks her to save his brother, not for him, but for the sake of Mary and her unborne child.  Yes, poor sickly Alex got it up enough times for her to get pregnant and they are not married!   (Mary has taken the Slut train to Yuma! ) Claire tells Randall she will do her best but she can’t guarantee anything.  However, she says she won’t help them unless BJR tells her where the British Army is encamped. BJR is shocked that she would trade her integrity for information.  Claire says, “I’m not the same woman I once was.”


While Jamie and Claire are away, Rupert looks up and sees Colum getting help out of his carriage.  Colum enters with two escorts holding him up. It is evident he is in very poor condition.  He wants to see Dougal and Jamie, after he gets off his painful spindly legs.  He is told they have stepped out, but they will get them here as soon as possible.


Claire rushes back to tell Jamie that the British are encamped near Nairn and they are planning a birthday party for Cumberland in two nights.  (BJR said to keep it a secret,  because it is a surprise party.)  Jamie decides to verify the information and encourage BPC to mount a surprise attack  (Hail Mary #1).  She finds out that Colum is here.  Jamie and she go in to his room to see him. Colum thinks Dougal is keeping him waiting, but Jamie explains he is scouting the British.  Colum tells Jamie that he’s very shrewd.  “Ye gave  Dougal some important assignment, but kept him out from under your feet.” Then he asks to speak to Claire privately, while they are waiting.  He tells her that he is happy that Jamie found her to love.  She reminds him that he didn’t always think that way.  Colum says, he was wrong.  “It’s the  prerogative of a dying man.”  Then he asks Claire to “slip him a mickey” just like Gellis Duncan did for her husband so he can be done with the pain.   They talk about mortal sin, and Claire tells him not to speak badly of Gellis.   Colum tells Claire that Gellis’ child (a boy) lived and was given to a childless MacKenzie family.   She gives Colum a potion that will  take him out gently, whenever he is ready.  (Hail Mary #2)


 Jamie presents his idea of a surprise attack to the War Council and everyone agrees, despite Murray and Sullivan not wanting Jamie to look good in the Prince’s eyes.  However, Sullivan decides he wants BPC as his date for the party, which is not how Jamie planned it.  Jamie wanted to be successful, and this might not be the best combo to lead a line to war. 

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Dougal comes back from his scavenger hunt for the British.  He finds out Jamie already knows about the British at Nairn.  He makes a comment that it would have been nice if he could have been spared the long ride.  Then he looks at a pot of dirty lettuce soup, and says he’s hungry!   Jamie tells him Colum is here and he’ll have to wait.  Dougal and Jamie along with Claire, go back into the room with Colum.  Colum announces he has chosen Hamish to become clan leader and Jamie to be his guardian.  Dougal blows up and says Jamie will lead the clan to war just like he would.  Jamie thanks Colum for the honor, but agrees with Dougal.  Colum points out that if Jamie led the clan, he would never waste their lives.  Dougal cannot say he would do the same.  pizap.com14683327873071

Claire goes back to take care of Alex with Murtaugh as a guard.   She finds Alex  coughing heavily and she decides to blow smoke up his nose.  Black Jack objects, and Claire says she can only alleviate his discomfort, not cure him.   Alex begs BJR to marry Mary!  He can give her what she needs socially and financially.   (Hail Mary #3)  BJR panics, but Alex reminds him that he already knows what a bastard BJR can be, but he still believes there is good in him.  BJR runs to the pub because he is afraid his baser side will erupt against Mary.  Claire follows him and talks him into doing what Alex wants.


Meanwhile, Dougal comes to talk with Colum.  Colum is resting and doesn’t want to be disturbed.  But Dougal goes on and gives a touching speech to his brother about how he feels about him.  There is no response from Colum because he has taken the potion, and Dougal realizes that he has died. In all honesty, this is the first time I liked Dougal in the entire show and actually felt sorry for the bugger. 


Next we see Mary and BJR being married by a minister in front of Alex’s sick bed and…wait….wait….witnessd by Murtaugh and Claire!  Murtaugh is very upset to see BJR marry Mary (wolf and lamb, ye ken).  Mary holds up well.  When the minister leaves, Jack speaks to his brother.

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Next we watch as Alex dies.  Everyone cries (including Black Jack) but then Black Jack starts to beat the crap out of the corpse!  I don’t know where Murtaugh is when this happens. (Bad time to take a break when he was supposed to protect Claire at exactly this moment just for this reason).   Off screen this is what happened next. (Hail Mary #4)


Jamie kisses Claire goodbye as he heads off to Cumberland’s birthday party.  The march another 12 miles to the meeting point.  Of course the Bonnie Prince and Sullivan get lost and never show up.    Murray has the best line of the night, “Where is that imbecile, Charles?”  Jamie tries to talk him into attacking despite this setback, since they came all this way.  (Hail Mary #5)  but Murray refuses, and Jamie knows history will happen just as Claire said.


Episode 213

This episode bounces between 1746 and 1968.  It’s a bit confusing, but I will attempt to make it more so, with my memes.  The scene opens in 1968 and some kids are watching The Avengers with Steed and Emma Peel.   A man I recognized as Roger Wakefield (because I had read the promos and announcements about the actor) is standing at the back of the room, appearing to watch, too.  Then a fawning young woman I presumed to be Fiona because she looked and acted  exactly as I pictured her in the book, lays her hand on his arm and says in the softest voice, “Your guests are looking for you, Roger.”  You can see him visibly recoil from her attentions while she gazes into his eyes with longing.  He turns and next you see him giving a toast at his Father’s funeral.  Reverend Wakefield has died.  As the camera scans the group, a more mature Claire Fraser is standing at the back of the room.  


Then Brianna (Jamie and Claire’s grown daughter) prances around the house, causing Roger’s Hottie Alert Stick to stand at attention and Fiona’s hopes to be dashed against the rocks of mediocrity!  Brianna asks him if he’s Roger Wakefield and he says he is. Then Claire walks up and says,” Roger?  I suppose you don’t remember me, but I knew you when you were about 7 or 8.”   She chats about the old days and asks if she can walk around the house.  He’d say anything to get rid of her so he can talk to Brianna, so he says, “Of course!”  He asks  if she is staying long enough to visit the area.  She says she is just here for the day with her Mom.  He says he wishes she would be around longer because there is some”beautiful, wild” country to see.  He invites them to stay at the house instead of driving back to London.  They agree and later he talks with Claire over drinks in front of the fire. He asks her how she has been able to go on after losing the one person you love the most.  He’s referring to Frank for her and the Reverend for him.    She responds, “They’re gone and we have to continue.  It’s what they’d want us to do.”  She’s referring to Jamie.   That night Brianna and Roger think back on their day.


Now we pop back to 1746, and Jamie is chasing BPC and begging him to move to a different site before the British find them and wipe them out. The Prince aka Jesus Christ (in His Mind) calls Jamie his “Doubting Thomas” but totally disregards what he said.  He tells Jamie to get on the bus or get out.  Jamie goes to Claire and is frustrated.  He tells her it’s over.  There is nothing more they can do.  Ever the canny lass, Claire tells Jamie she has an idea.  When they get somewhere quiet to talk, Claire reveals her plan.  Now when I say a quiet place, I say that with tongue in cheek.  In the span of 10 minutes, Ross pops his head in, Dougal shows up and Rupert stumbles through.  Not that great of a place to talk secretly, in my humble opinion. Nevertheless, Claire says they have to kill BPC to stop the battle. Killing one for the benefit of thousands seems worthwhile to her.  She has a little of the poison she gave Colum left and she could slip it into BPC’s juice cup.  Jamie seems to be having apoplexy over all the mortal sin floating around in the room. 


Next we’re back in 1968 and Roger and Bree are riding in his cool car (shades of Frank Randall?). First they go to Fort William (the very place Jamie was flogged and where Claire was taken hostage by BJR).  After Bree tells Roger about visiting Fort Ticonderoga with her Father, Roger starts quoting  “I regret I have but one life to give for my country”.  This is one of those not so subtle hints that Roger might be related to Gellis Duncan.   Claire says those very same words to Gellis during the witch trial!   Bree says she got a chill standing in the fort and Roger says its probably because of all the blood that has been shed there.  They are standing next to the flogging post Jamie hung from.  (Phantom of the Opera organ music plays in the background).   Now I have a question.  Doesn’t Scotland have termites?  I didn’t think a wooden flogging post would last 200 + years. But apparently, it has (for dramatic effect if nothing else).   Meanwhile, Claire goes to Lallybroch, which is still standing except for the roof and rotted wooden door. It looks like there is definitely some termite damage here.  She sits on the steps and voices from the past haunt her.  If anyone ever wondered why she loved him (which I can’t even imagine anyone would), this is why.


After Lallybroch, Claire goes to Inverness to the Hall of Records.   She gets help to look up ownership records.  They find an original Deed of Sasine that Jamie, Claire and Murtaugh signed in 1746 transferring Lallybroch to the Murrays.    The clerk gives her a copy.  Then Claire asks her to do an ancestry trace for Roger MacKenzie (Wakefield).  (Just think how much time she could have saved with!)  Later Bree comes in after spending the day with Roger, and Claire asks how her date went.  Bree tells her she went to Fort William and asks if Claire has ever been there.  Claire replies, “Yes.  Once.  I didn’t care for it very much.” Bree asks if Claire misses Frank.  Claire says that she does.  Bree says she thinks she acts like she doesn’t miss him or that she even ever loved him.  Claire is upset by this, but very dispassionately says she did love him.   If I were Claire, I’d make a list of reasons why I loved him, just to remind myself and so that my response comes out more enthusiastically.  (Please don’t let her do my eulogy).


Back in 1746, Dougal eavesdrops on Claire and Jamie talking about poisoning the Bonnie Prince.  He is furious.  First, his mistrust of Claire proves to be right and he almost married her.  Second, I think he finally bought into the idea that Jamie was the better man and the best leader for the rebellion and for the clan.  Dougal put his trust in Jamie, and this is the ultimate betrayal.  Jamie tries to talk Dougal down, but we all know how that goes.  A fight ensues, and when Claire sees Jamie losing the struggle because of his weak hand, she stands beside him and helps to push the dirk into Dougal’s chest.   (An Emmy for Sam here, he really looks like someone who has just done the most terrible thing he could ever do.)  Jamie tells the dead Dougal, “I’m sorry, Uncle.”


The family that slays together, doesn’t always stay together.

Fast forward to 1968, Roger and Bree head over to what looks like the local university where Bree wanders into a Scotland Nationalists’ group called the White Roses.  Guess who’s leading the uprising?  None other than Gillian Edgars aka Gellis Duncan.  This is the year she told Claire she came through the stones at Crainsmuir Kirk.  After she gets done rabble-rousing, Brianna approaches her and argues with her about her theory.  Gillian asks her “Why are you here?” just like she asked Claire in the antechamber at the witch trial.  The Roger finds them and introduces himself.  There is a pregnant pause for dramatic effect. Gillian may have even flirted with Roger a little.pizap.com14684392077971

Bree and Roger head back to the manse to look for the Reverend’s journals from 1948. While digging through the piles of papers and such, a rat crawls over Bree’s shoes and she screams.  Roger remains calm and hands her a flash light (to  see them before they come or to hit them with?)  Bree is not happy with the solution so Roger offers a Rat Satire.  According to Roger, if you tell the rats there is better food somewhere else, they’ll leave.  He breaks into song.  Now, I know Roger is supposed to be a balladeer of old Gaelic music in the book, but he ain’t no Gwyllyn the Bard!  I thought he was going to break out in a Rat Rap!


Meanwhile back at the battle….Rupert stumbles into the room just in time to see Jamie standing over Dougal with a bloody dirk.  Rupert is shocked and turns to alert the others, but Jamie begs him for two hours in order to settle some business he has.  He promises to return so he can turn himself in  and receive the punishment he deserves.  Rupert agrees on the basis of a now dead friendship.   Now can you see that happening on “Cops”?  Nah, Jamie would have been rolling on the ground with tasers in him or shot in the back! 


Roger and Bree find the journals and Bree finds the newspaper article about Claire being kidnapped by the Faeries.  Bree realizes that her mother was missing for three years.  Roger tells her, “This must be the incident you were seeking.” Meanwhile Claire is visiting Culloden.  She is very bitter at seeing the Bonnie Prince so esteemed.  She also finds her wedding gift from Hugh Munro (Dragonfly in Amber) in an artifacts case.  She walks out to the Fraser marker, sits down and has a chat with Jamie.  She tells him about Brianna, her life with Frank, and then she says goodbye to him, which is something she has needed to do for 20 years.  If only the marker had a message machine like the telephone.pizap.com14684238540811

Jamie knows he only has two hours.  He finds Murtaugh and tells him that he killed Dougal.  Murtaugh wonders why he didn’t do it sooner.  (You gotta love that bugger!) Jamie has made out a Deed of Sasine transferring Lallybroch to his nephew under the  guardianship of Jenny and Ian.  It is dated one year earlier before Jamie was a traitor.  This will keep the property in the family and prevent the Crown from seizing it. Jamie, Claire and Murtaugh sign it (Yes, its the very same document Claire saw at the Hall of Records.)  Jamie decides that Fergus will take it to Lallybroch.  Fergus doesn’t want to leave Jamie.  Jamie says, “You must remember this for all of us.” Fergus tells him that he will not let him down.

pizap.com14684247862591Bree walks in on Claire pouring tea and confronts her about the man who is her Father.  She realizes that Claire was 3 months pregnant when the “Faeries brought her back”, so Frank couldn’t be her father.  Bree accuses Claire of secretly visiting her birth father and setting up a “chance” meeting for her.  Claire tells her that he is dead.  She starts to tell her about him and Bree goes all Brittany Spears when her Mother gets to the part about time travel and Culloden. 


Back in 1746, Fergus says goodbye to Jamie, who tells him he loves him like a son.  Claire adds, “Like our own son” and embraces him.  Murtaugh lowers his head in a sign of respect to Fergus.  Fergus walks away, but turns to look back on the only family he’s ever known.   Then he turns back and heads to Lallybroch to do his duty.  A roving artist painted this for him. 


After the blow-up with Claire, Roger and Bree head to a pub.  Bree takes after her Mother and tells Roger to keep an open tab!   While they are sub-arguing about her Mother, Gillian Edgars strolls up to their table.  She says she missed them at the rally.  Bree apologizes and said she was tied up with her crazy Mother!  Roger asks when the next one will come, and Gillian says there won’t be any more for a while.  She’s going out of town.  (Phantom of the Opera organ music plays in the background).  Claire finds the brochure about the White Roses Rally and sees Gellis/Gillian’s picture.  She goes to Gillian’s house and meets her 1968 husband.  He appears distraught and depressed because Gillian has been gone for weeks.   He offers Claire a drink and tells her that Gillian has been spending “his” money taking folklore classes at the university.  She has filled several journals with her notations.  He starts to fall asleep in the chair and says, “If you see Gillie, tell her I love her.”  After he passes out, she grabs Gillian’s journals.  Claire returns to the manse and reads the journals.  The information in them is all about time travel and the folklore surrounding it.  She is surprised to find out that Gellis believes there must be a human sacrifice and gemstones used when you go through the stones to make your travel easier. 


In 1746 Jamie talks to Murtaugh about what to do.  He wants him to lead the Lallybroch men to a safe area, and tell them to go home per his orders.  He knows this battle is lost and he will not let “his kin die for no good reason”.  Murtaugh asks what Jamie will do.  Jamie says he will get Claire to safety and then come back to meet his destiny on Culloden field.  Murtaugh says that he will meet him there.  Murtaugh says his “good reason for dying” is to be with Jamie. The two friends look at each other, and all the respect and love they have for each other, is evident. 


Bree returns from the pub and talks to Claire.  She wants to know about her father but not about the time travel stuff.   Claire tells her some things, but realizes its not something to be done in one session.  She tells Bree that she didn’t intend to fall in love, she fought it, but it was the strongest feeling she ever had and she couldn’t help  it.  Later Claire goes to the Reverend’s study, where she left Gillian’s journals.  She discovers that Roger and Bree had spoken to her that afternoon and she told them she was leaving town.  Claire realizes this is the night Gellis goes through the stones.  She wants to stop her but says she can’t because of Roger. When she did the ancestor search for him, she discovered that he is a descendant of Gellis and Dougal’s child. Claire worries her interference could affect Roger’s existence.  Roger reassures her and  agrees to go with Claire to the stones.  He tells Bree it is just to humor her.  Bree says what if Gillian is as nuts as Claire?  He tells her, “Then we’ll watch her run into a 500 ton stone!”


Back at Culloden, Jamie drags Claire the opposite direction of the army getting ready for battle.  When they arrive at Dougal’s horse, Claire asks where are they going.  Jamie says he is sending her back to Frank.  She says she won’t leave, and he tells her he knows she is with child.  He begs her to keep the child safe because it is all that will ever be left of him.  He gets her on the horse and off they go to Craig Na Dun. 


Back in 1968, Claire, Bree and Roger pull up to Craig Na Dun and Claire recognizes the Edgars’ car.  As they run up the hill they smell something.  Roger says, “It smells like a Fucking BBQ!”  That’s  what Gellis said right before they dragged her off to burn at the stake at the Witch Trial.  Proof positive, Roger is related.  When they get closer, they see a fire in front of the stone and all three of them see Gillian go through. They realize she burned her husband due to her belief she needed a human sacrifice so she would have a smoother trip.  Now, I have a question.  How did she drag a dead man up the hill to Craig Na Dun?  I would be out of breath just climbing the hill!  I wondered in the book, too.  But I digress.  Claire asks Roger to go get help.


We’re back with Claire and Jamie who have arrived at Craig Na Dun.  They get to the top of the hill and Claire says she hears the stone buzzing, but isn’t ready to go.  She begs him to go with her.  He touches the stone with no effect and says that even if he could go, it is not his time.  His destiny lies at Culloden.  He comes toward her and delivers the famous, “Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God, I loved her well,” line. Obviously his list of sins have been shortened due to time constraints.  At last the Frasers have “grind in the mud”sex that lasts about as long as Jamie’s first time.  Claire and I both forgave him because we knew he was under stress. I have a question, however.  If his knees are covered in mud after this, why is the back of her dress clean?  But I digress.  She gives him the Dragonfly in Amber wedding gift from Hugh Munro to keep.  (That’s how it ended up in that display case at Culloden).  He gives her his father’s ring with a ruby in it.  (Remember in the opening scene when she finds the ring, but it has no stone in it? Perhaps, Gillian was right about the gemstones?)  Then he dances her to the stone, they tell each other that they love each other, he puts her hand to the stone and she disappears,  as one tear rolls down his cheek.  Sam you’re a hell of an actor, but what’s with the one tear thing? You should be sobbing and have snot coming out of your nose. I went through 2 ones of tissue for this scene!    For God’s sake take a look at Cait.  Now that woman can cry.  I digress again.  pizap.com14684567821421.jpgBack in 1968, Bree turns to Claire and says “I believe you!  I don’t understand it all, but I believe you.  There must be truth between you and me, no matter what.”  Now we know she really is Jamie’s daughter, because she says the same thing he said to Claire, when she told him she was from the future.  Roger returns and tells them he called the Police anonymously.  Bree asks him to give Claire the information he found in the Reverend’s study.  It’s too dark to read, so Claire asks him what it says.  He tells her that his father found that Jamie Fraser survived Culloden.  When Claire hears this, she turns toward the stones and says, “I have to go back,”  as the sun rises over the standing stones.  The glow is reflected in her eyes.  She’s going back, if she isn’t blinded first! 

So, that’s that!  Before I go, I want to make one observation about Claire.  I really felt bad for her in Season two, not so much in 1746 because of all the deprivation and sadness, but in 1968. The passion that we all love Claire for was completely missing when we first saw her at Rev. Wakefield’s funeral.  As she rediscovers her memories of Jamie, it returns.  Nowhere is it more evident than in 213. She starts out fading into the background while Roger makes the toast. And ends up with the sun gleaming off her face as she passionately faces the future.   Her life of anonymity is over.  I finally understand why she gave up hot baths to stay in 1746.  It was because she really lived there, she didn’t just exist. It was the reason she could become a doctor in Boston.  She never would have done that if she never went to the past.   I can’t wait to see mature Claire take on the 1768 world next season.  Again my compliments to the Emmy award winning work of the cast and crew.  I love you for bringing my beloved Outlander books and characters to life. 

Well, I wish that this could go on and on (she said sarcastically)! All those wonderful recap bloggers out there can keep their job!  Recaps R Not Us! I am so fookin’ glad this is over, I can’t tell you.  I will be on hiatus just so I can wash some underwear, because I’ve missed a few chores while writing this shite!  If you had a few laughs, great,no matter what you were laughing at (even me).  If you hated this because I made fun of so much tragedy, well, don’t read it.  If you don’t understand what the fook I was doing with this, relax, I didn’t either.   Despite all of that, I loved all of you who went on this journey with me.  See you in a few. And remember, ttime is all we have.

And we need more cowbell!

The High Priestess Weighs in on Outlander, Season 2, Part Quatre

Readership of these postings remains high, so I will continue to offer my ironically invaluable input on Outlander, Season 2.   Now let me begin by clarifying, war is not my thing.  Some people can sit and watch the History Channel about WWII every night. Frankly, if they had less clothes on, I might watch, but usually that is not the case, they just have less arms and legs.   Nevertheless, war, like all very sad things, tickles my funny bone (Humerus). 

Episode 209:

Jamie leads the men from the Lovat Clan to a meeting place with Murtaugh and the men from Lallybroch.  Several of Lovat’s men have already gone AWOL because they were threatened by Lord Lovat to go, and they really are not committed to the fight. Simon has headed back to see if he can gather some of them up and bring them back. Claire rides beside Jamie and begins to see him as a skilled warrior, a leader, and a sex object.pizap.com14649975379621

They arrive at the Lallybroch camp and it is like a family reunion.   Murtaugh greets them by telling them they’re late.  Then Fergus runs out to greet them, and tells them how bad Murtaugh is treating him.   Next,  Dougal, Rupert and Angus show up.  Jamie greets them with mixed emotions, but hopes they’ve brought a bunch of  MacKenzies with them.  It seems, however, they are the only ones who like each other in the MacKenzie Clan and no one followed them.   (Surprise…Surprise.)   Immediately, a pissing contest breaks out between Jamie and Dougal.  Dougal wants to charge into the fight, while Jamie recognizes the men are not trained soldiers, which requires planning.  He needs time to hone their skills.  He tells Dougal how they pranced into camp instead of marching!  Jamie says they will stay here for a while so the men can be trained to work as one.  He reminds Dougal that these are his men and he will lead them.  Dougal backs off for now.


Murtaugh takes over the training of the new men. Claire walks past him and it brings back memories of WWII, and the drill instructors she saw there!  I guess they don’t change much.  If you saw an “Officer and a Gentleman”, Murtaugh could have played the drill Sergeant!


Murtaugh works on getting the men to stop prancing and march!  Jamie sees that the men aren’t taking Murtaugh seriously.  They are farmers, blacksmiths and itinerant prancers who have never been in a war, especially against a well-trained army.  He talks to them about the need to be disciplined and serious about their training.  Jamie describes war to them, and inspires them to improve. 

pizap.com14654301585001But boys will be boys and the MacKenzie Clan demonstrates the way they want the war to be fought in the middle of Jamie’s inspirational message (Trust me on this, it was Franklin D. Roosevelt worthy). The difference in Jamie and Dougal’s leadership skills becomes apparent. We begin to understand why Colum did not want Dougal to be Laird.  

pizap.com14649982731671The British would have to blind, deaf, and unable to smell, to let these guys past them. 

Claire is behaving more and more erratically.  She is often angry, but goes off by herself and doesn’t talk to anyone.  Jamie tries to talk to her, but she tells him she’s fine.  She keeps seeing images from her WWII experience.  Everywhere she looks, triggers memories she thought she put away.  It is a case of classic PTSD.   As her memories unfold, she faces heavy guilt feelings about an American soldier, she befriended, who was killed.   Eventually, Jamie finds her lying on the ground, in shock.  She tells him the story and seems to feel better after having talked with him. Sometimes, we just need someone to hear us.

pizap.com14677580757771.jpgJamie continues to get the troops disciplined.  However, Dougal and his Minions come into camp with about 10 recruits for the new army.   Jamie questions their recruitment practices, and ends up sending the new men home.   Jamie asks,”What good are men who don’t want to be here and don’t believe in our mission?”  Then he requests the guards on duty to report to him.  He tells them they were lax in their duties for letting strangers walk into the camp with Dougal without any questions.  Jamie holds them under guard for the night awaiting their punishment.  To keep Dougal out of trouble, Jamie places him in charge of camp security.  The minions are sent to watch on the first shift. 


The next day, the guards receive 6 lashes each for not doing their duty.  A few days later, Jamie is taking a leak, when someone attacks him with a knife.  Jamie is easily able to disarm the culprit by breaking his arm and throwing him on the ground in the pee puddle. After things settle down, Jamie finds it is a 16-year-old British boy.  He wandered into camp after he saw their campfires.  When he saw “Red Jamie”, he attacked.  Jamie says he needs information since the boy must be attached to the Redcoat army.  The boy refuses to tell him anything, “even if tortured”.  As Jamie wields a red-hot knife blade at the boy, Claire comes upon them.   She pretends she is a British woman being held captive by the Highlanders.  She calls Jamie a pig and a barbarian.  Jamie pretends he is going to rape her, and the boy says he’ll tell all to save her honor.  He says he is William Grey, attached to a large force of British soldiers about three miles away.  He tells them how many and the type of weapons they have.  Jamie gives him his life and the boy promises he will honor this debt, if they ever run into each other again. 


Jamie wants to maintain discipline and takes the blame for not ordering everone to bank the campfires.  He orders Murtaugh to give him 16 lashes.  Because that is a drop in the bucket for Jamie and Murtaugh is not hitting him very hard as Black Jack did, he decides to take a small group of men to raid the British camp right after the whipping. They accomplish the raid, remove the linch pins from the cannon wheels and burn the wheels.   The British won’t be able to use their cannons.  When he returns, he is in commando make-up and looks sexy as hell!


Claire wants him to get in bed with her to play “The Scottish Barbarian Pig and the Innocent Sexy Sassenach Prisoner” but he declines.  They have to move the camp quickly before the British find them.  No sex again.  Claire and I were disappointed. 

They travel until they see Bonnie Prince Charlie’s Camp.  Knowing that Dougal wants to play politics with BPC, Jamie asks him to ride ahead and announce their arrival.  The Fraser army has arrived sans prancing.


Episode 210

This episode starts out with Jamie and the other Clan leaders meeting for tactical planning.  If you recall when BPC asked Jamie how ready the clans were to join forces against the enemy, Jamie responded that the clans couldn’t agree on the color of the sky.  Not much has changed.  The British are across a bog within eyesight of the Scottish army.  Quartermaster John O’Sullivan is from Ireland.  I’m not sure how he got involved.   He and several clansmen are all for charging across the bog to the British army and attacking.  Jamie says the bog is dangerous for his men to walk through, without getting stuck in place, which would make them great targets for the British muskets.  Lord General George Murray, agrees with Jamie.  They all storm out of the meeting arguing about what to do.  


Dougal and Jamie discuss a plan to test the bog.  Dougal says it would not be looked upon well, if Jamie (BPC’s Favorite Boy) were to put himself in jeopardy.  Dougal agrees to do it (to make himself look good).  In his own inimitable way, Dougal leads his horse to within 105′ of the enemy muskets.  His horse gets stuck in the bog and his cap is shot off.  Dougal, his horse and his holey cap return to the Scottish lines to resounding cheers and a hug from BPC!


Nevertheless, the point is made.  Charging willy-nilly into the bog will not earn them a victory.  They’ll just be sitting ducks for the British.


Meanwhile, Claire is setting up a field hospital with the other women who have traveled with the army.  Fergus is assigned to her, but spends his time playing around, because he thinks this is women’s work. She educates the women and Fergus on preparation steps and why they are needed.  She reassures them that they will do well for the men.pizap.com14678143807121


Later in the day, Fergus brings Mr. Anderson to Claire.  He is asking to speak to the leader of the army.  Claire gets Jamie and Mr. Anderson tells him there is a secret path through the bog that could be used for a surprise attack!   Jamie takes him to headquarters and they plot their next moves.  The king wants to lead the charge, but Jamie talks him out of it.

pizap.com14659158996871The men prepare for a night march across the bog.  Murtaugh, Fergus and Rupert say good-bye to Claire.  Jamie gives her a big smooch! Claire (and I) did not get a goodbye roll in the hay, however.  We were disappointed.  

pizap.com14678182321611The attack is a huge surprise to the British.  The battle lasts 15 minutes, the British retreat and leave their wounded behind, and the Jacobites lost less that 50 men. By the way,  Simon Lovat and his AWOL soldiers are nowhere in sight.  Mr. Anderson has directed them on the path to victory and he’s pretty cute to boot!  He kind of reminds me of that guy on Battlestar Galactica.


Meanwhile, back at Claire Fraser’s Field Hospital of Dreams, they have begun to receive some of the injured Scottish and British soldiers. Claire notices the Fergus is not around and realizes he has snuck off to war with the men.  Rupert and Angus arrive at the door, and Rupert has been stabbed by a sword.  Angus has also suffered the after effects of an explosion, but appears to be stable. Claire stitches up Rupert and tells Angus to stay awake because he may have a mild concussion.  Angus wants to watch his friend, anyway, so he sits with him and has a few nips of whiskey (what’s new?)  

pizap.com14678541676251Jamie rushes into the field hospital looking for Claire.  When he hugs and kisses her, it’s almost as if he is in a daze.  He is so happy that they won.  He believes they can change history now, because he believes they can win.  She asks if he knows where Fergus is, and Jamie says he’s safe and sitting outside.  pizap.com14678201003291Claire heads outside to find Fergus.   He is sitting next to a cannon, looking rather dazed. Claire starts to yell at him for sneaking off, but notices his face.  Fergus admits that he killed an English soldier and  is devastated.  Claire comforts him and takes him to find food and a bed. 

pizap.com14678559001511Meanwhile, Dougal is out killing any British soldier still breathing on the battle field. He looks like a Viking Berserker!  He comes upon Lt. Jeremy Foster, whom he calls “the only honorable British soldier in the lot.”  Lt. Foster asks Dougal to help him to the field hospital and Dougal stabs him until he’s dead.  Now, I have no problem with him killing the nameless, faceless, silent soldiers laying in the dirt.  But Jeremy Foster was the fandom’s adopted son!  Everyone is really pissed at Dougal, now. 


Claire goes back inside and notices that Jamie has a hoof print on his shirt right over his kidney.  She picks up a jar and tells him to pee in it, so she can see if there is blood in his urine.  (Probably should have done the same with Angus who’s still watching Rupert but becoming increasingly lethargic.)  Jamie decides to make a pissing contest out of it and an English soldier bets him 6 pence, that he can’t hit the jar from where he’s standing.  As he is taking aim, the Bonnie Prince enters.  He says, “What’s everyone doing here dicking around?” (Not really, but I thought it would have been so perfect for that scene). 


What BPC actually does is thank everyone for their efforts, and talk about the victory being bittersweet.  He says (paraphrased), “Mark me!  If we had defeated people from another country, I might rejoice, but we defeated our own people, the British.”  Just as he starts singing “Kumbaya”, crazy Dougal runs in and tries to attack the wounded British soldiers being cared for at the hospital.  The Prince and Jamie stop Dougal but BPC says he wants Dougal out of his army.  Jamie comes up with an idea to put Dougal in charge of the new Scottish Dragoons (emphasis on Goons), so his guerilla skills can be used.  In addition, the prince will never have to look upon him again!  Dougal looks at Jamie and says, “That idea is worthy of my brother, Colum.”

pizap.com14678584891361After this, Angus is sitting with his head in his hands, and Dougal gets mad when he won’t talk to him.  Angus keels over and Claire realizes he has been bleeding internally since he was knocked over by the explosion several hours earlier.  He dies calling for Claire to help him.  Rupert gets up, comes over to Angus and takes his sword.  Earlier in the day, Angus heard Ross and Kincaid talking about taking care of each others’ family, if anything happened to either one of them.  Angus thought he should tell Rupert what he can have if he dies (his sword, dirk, and the part-time hoor at the inn).  Rupert told him not to talk that way, because it was bad luck.


Later in the day, there is a subdued celebration of the win.  Claire and Jamie thought the victory would be sweeter. 


It turns out that Kincaid died, too.  Rupert and Ross bonded for a song and some drink.


Episode 211:

Once again, we find the Clan Heads (are they related to the Cone Heads?) arguing over the next steps in Jacobite campaign.  They are outside of London, and the Prince wants everyone to continue forward since they are so close.  Sullivan and Murray, in a rare moment of conciliation, want to return to Scotland until they can gather more troops. The hoped for uprising of more supporters based on their success, has not happened.   BPC realizes that Jamie is his only supporter and stalks off furiously, followed by his entourage.pizap.com14679808019751

Jamie finds Claire doing her dental work, and lets her know they will be retreating. Neither are happy, only because Jamie believed that if they went to London, history would be changed, and a new outcome might be created.  They decide to retreat to their room for some rest.  While there, Jamie talks to Claire in Gaelic while she sleeps.


The next morning Dougal arrives with bad news (what’s new?)  Apparently Sullivan spirited the Prince away and sent a note to Jamie to move his men back to Inverness to re-supply the troops (with no money).  Dougal tells him the Prince took Jamie’s horse, too.  


The Fraser men head out to Inverness.  Jamie promises he will get them back to Lallybroch safely.  On the way, they are ambushed by some British soldiers and get split up.  During the escape, Rupert gets shot and Dougal does his best impression of the Lone Ranger saving the Damsel in Distress.  He pulls Rupert onto his horse with him.  (Credulity is stretched here…Lard Butt is not that easy to pick up and how did the poor horse run with two heavy men on it?)  Nevertheless, they find a church to hide in.   Ross and some other Fraser troops are hiding there, too.  Claire sees that Rupert has been shot in his eye, so she pulls the musket ball out.  Then she tells Rupert about pirates, and he imagines his charming self.


Later on, the British find them at the church.  Of  course, Jamie is the only wanted man, so he volunteers to save them all.  He will give himself up as Red Jamie, and the rest of them can escape.  


But, of course, our Claire comes up with a better idea.  She pulls her Innocent Sassenach Prisoner card and yells to the British troops for help, so they won’t set the church on fire and trap them, all.    It worked for William Grey, so why not? Jamie is furious because he does not want to put her in jeopardy.  She convinces him that he can rescue her later.   Dougal figures the British will drop her off at the nearest fort so they don’t have to tote a woman around with them! Fergus suggests she “faint”, since she is such a poor liar and actress.  This will buy some time before she has to talk to them.

her some time to be silent.    Dougal turns her over to the British and they ride away.  Murtaugh and Jamie head out to steal a couple of horses, since the Brits took his back-up horse.  


Claire is brought to an inn and as she steps in, she sees a wanted poster for Jamie.  But an old friend saw her, Hugh Munro!  He was begging by the side of the building and she didn’t see him.  He sees her with the British officers and decides to wait for her. After some food and drink, Claire falls asleep in a chair.

pizap.com14668957399271 In the morning, Claire finds out they are not going to the nearest fort, but she is to be dropped off at the home of a wealthy British man.  As she goes out the door, Hugh approaches her as if he is begging.  She sees her chance to get a message to Jamie. She gets the soldier to repeat where they are going, and Hugh is off to let Jamie know where they are heading.  It was good to see him again.  


Claire is taken to a home surrounded by encamped British military. As she gets inside, she realizes she is a guest of the Duke of Sandringham.  As usual, the Duke is playing both sides of the coin.  Claire finds out that Mary Hawkins is staying with the Duke, and that she is his goddaughter.  The Duke wants Jamie to get him out of his “imprisonment” because of his Jacobite tendencies, so he tells Claire he can get a message to Jamie. She writes the message in Gaelic and it is sent off to Jamie through Hugh Munro.  


Claire gets Mary to help her and discovers that the Duke was really behind the rape in Paris.  The man with the birth mark, who raped Mary, is acting as the Duke’s valet, now.  Jamie and Murtaugh get into the house.  While Claire is revealing who the Duke really is, Mary grabs a knife and kills Birthmark Man.   When Murtaugh hears that it was all arranged by the Duke, he gets his revenge by killing him, beheading him, and presenting the head to Mary and Claire.   


I can tell that the everything is going downhill from here.  (I’ve read the books at least 5 times).  I am finding it increasingly difficult to find humor in all of this.  However, I know I can do it.  JHRC, I laugh at funerals, Judge Judy, Cops, the Bachelor, Fox News and the NHL channel.   I am only here to serve by pointing out the ludicrous for all CoH followers.  It’s a crummy job, but someone has to do it.

The cast and crew continue to do an Emmy Award winning performance for everything (except the Leghair writing, lack of Fraser sex, and the tooth pulling scene) for the entire series.    

Episode 212 and 213 are coming soon to a Church of Heughanology near you.

The High Priestess Weighs in on Outlander Season 2, Part Trois

If you think this series is grueling to read, think about me having to write this s–t!  If I thought I’d spend part of my retirement writing recaps of a TV show followed by insane fans, I’d have probably said, “Good idea!”  Nevertheless, my words are screaming to be heard.  I’m on an IV of Red Bull so I can get the job done.  One of the side effects might be uncontrolled silliness and snark, but that is no different than my usual writing, so…..

Everything is just plain sad about the upcoming episodes, but I will endeavor to find something inappropriate to say about most of it.  So just “get over it!”

Episode 207

Initially,  we find that Claire is in the 1950’s talking to a little red headed girl about a blue heron she saw in Scotland.   I already addressed this in episode 204, so I won’t belabor this scene.  However, it blends into a picture of Claire laying on a bed in the the hospital with Mother Hildegarde and M. Fornay (Ew!) trying to save her and her unborn child.  She still has her silk dress on and she is covered in blood.  Things don’t look good, but she is staring at the same blue heron flying overhead.  (Perhaps Mother Hildegarde has gone a little heavy on the Opium?) You know, I had a family of herons walk up my driveway today.  I hope it was just the Red Bull and that I didn’t overeat the poppyseed muffins this morning.


Claire wakes up and sees she is back in the hospital and not flying with the Blue Heron. She looks around frantically and says, “Where’s my baby?”  Mother Hildegarde comforts her and says that the baby was born dead.  (I guess she wasn’t right to tell Claire not to worry when she was bleeding last night.  I noticed that Bouton was no where around for Mother Hildegarde to consult. Perhaps if he had been there, he would have put Claire on bed rest only).  


Mother Hildegarde has taken the opportunity to baptize the dead baby so she can be buried in hallowed ground and named her “Faith”.   She tells Claire that  it was illegal to do so and they must tell no one or she might get bitch slapped by the Pope.  Claire asks for Jamie but no one has heard from him. Claire tells Mother Hildegarde that he broke his promise and she will never forgive him. But Claire is very ill, with puerperal fever, which is fatal in the 18th century.  Mother Hildegarde brings in the priest for last rites. During the night, Master Raymond sneaks into the hospital.   (Now if that doesn’t scare Claire to death, nothing will).  He rummages around in Claire’s who-who and cures her of the infection.


Master Raymond tells Claire why he calls her “Madonna”.  It isn’t because she’s “Like a Virgin” or a Mother.   He says she has a blue aura. This explains the Smurf look back in 204.  Claire’s aura was “all over the place!”  He assures her he will see her again, just like in that movie.  You know the one.


After several weeks, Fergus talks Claire into going home.  Even though she was told  Jamie couldn’t come to see her because he is in the Bastille, she hasn’t forgiven him.  (I suspect this is how “Tough Love” started.  “Let him rot around in the Bastille awhile.  That’ll teach him!).  Nevertheless, she returns home to some pretty sad servants.  


That night after Fergus brushes her hair….she finds him crying in his attic room. He explains that Milord discovered Black Jack Randall raping him at Hoors R Us.  Jamie challenged the Englishman to a duel.  Fergus feels guilty because he is responsible for losing the only father he has ever known. Claire comforts him.


Claire realizes why Jamie broke his promise and sets out to get him released tout suite. She asks Mother Hildegarde to arrange a private meeting with the King, so she can beg him to set Jamie free.  She is not new at getting Jamie out of jail, so she ‘s sure she will be successful.  She will do what she must.

pizap.com14643939762591Claire gets on the fast-track to meet with the King.  The first thing he does is give Claire some Chocolate and an orange from his 1,000 orange trees in his Orangerie. He seems unsure of himself, like he is trying to impress her.  (Louie Baby, you live in Versailles, you have every luxury, people fall all over themselves just to watch you poop, YOU’RE THE FOOKING KING!  Do you really think you need an orange to impress her?) Nevertheless, after he talks to her about her two wedding rings, he decides she is an admirable, loyal woman and vows to cuckold her husband as soon as possible.   Claire makes her request to get Jamie released from the Bastille.  King Louis admires her pale white skin and says, “No wonder they call you La Dame Blanche”.  Images of Crainesmuir Kirk flash before her eyes and she thinks she may be on M. Fornay’s short list.  Instead the King asks her to do him a small favor. (Ah, here comes the “lie with” Mother Hildegarde warned Claire about).   King Louis asks her to help him with a special problem and Claire looks over at the bed. 


King Louis surprises us all and  leads her into the Star Chamber, a type of Observatory/Secret Conference Room at Versailles. M. Fornay is waiting inside with some strange looking guards.  Then Sanger Man and Master Raymond are brought in by even stranger looking guards.  M. Fornay reads the charges against them for Practicing the Dark Arts Without a License.  He empowers Claire to determine their guilt or innocence.  


She tells the King that all men have a dark side, for without it we would not know the light, but Sanger Man is the darkest of all!  He becomes very angry.  He admits he poisoned her and says she is a witch because she survived!   The gall of that woman! How dare she!


The King brings in his pet snakes, Lenny and Squiggy,  because he knows that the guilty will be bitten if they handle them.  (Of course, that happens with those who are not guilty,too, so it’s not foolproof.)  Claire, who is not partial to serpents, suggests that she give the two men a taste of the “poison” she was given.  If they survive she asks that the King spare them. She grabs some herbal liquid that is not lethal and pours some into a cup.  She gives it to Master Raymond, who knows what she is doing, and he takes the “poison”.  He bends over in agony, but appears to recover and survive. Claire takes the same cup but as she turns to give it to Sanger Man, her Dick Tracy White Magic Poison Detecting necklace turns black indicating that real poison has been added to the cup.  (Master Raymond and his slight of hand?).  Sanger Man knows what the necklace means because he has always wanted one for himself. He knows his number is up and he has to drink the poison.  He insults Claire saying she sucks Satan’s Cock in French and a tear runs down his cheek because she will never do that to him.  He drinks the poison and croaks almost instantly. The King tells Master Raymond to “get out of Dodge” and never come back.  Louis escorts Claire from the Star Chamber.


Thinking she has done the favor wanted, Claire asks if the King will free Jamie.   The King replies that he will, but only after she does him another special favor.  She looks back at the Duke laying dead on the floor and wonders “What was that? Chopped liver?” to herself.   Louie takes her to the bed, impales her, thrusts 5 times, and says Jamie is free.  Voila!  Claire leaves the King’s chamber unimpressed, but grabs the damn orange on the way out!


In the next scene we see Jamie, home from the Bastille, walking slowly up the stairs to Claire. (I think he is really is afraid of La Dame Blanche.)  Other than a short beard, he doesn’t look too bad!  Claire looks at him like he is slime under her feet.  He follows her into the sitting room.  He asks her what the baby was, a boy or a girl?    Claire tells him about Baby Faith. Then we see a flashback when she was allowed to hold her dead baby. It is the cutest dead baby I ever saw (but it did resemble the dead baby she found in the fairy tree in Season 1 without a hat).  She holds it and sings to it.  There wasn’t a dry eye in the house, when her friend, Louise, took the dead baby from her.  

pizap.com14674173525771Claire tells Jamie she was wrong for hating him.  It was her fault.  She was the one who asked him to do more than any man could do by asking him not to kill Randall.  She was the one who raced through town to stop the duel.  She should have focused on the family she has now, not the past.  He tells her he already forgave her for anything she’d ever do.  She asks him to take her home to Scotland!


Episode 208:

The Frasers are welcomed back to Lallybroch and their idyllic days fall into the routine activities of the clan.  Jenny and Jamie are particularly close, like always.pizap.com14643893003251

Claire is dressed in her dark Scottish garb and one has to wonder,”What happened to all those silk gowns? Did she sell them on E-Bay?”   The first potato crop comes in and everyone celebrates by having mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, potatoes au gratin, french fries, hash browns, fried potatoes, boiled potatoes, scalloped potatoes and potato soup until they start to look like wait…wait…potatoes! (By the way, who wants to guess how long since any of those actors really had a potato?)


The mail arrives one day and Jamie finds out the Bonnie Prince has sent out a letter to everyone and their brother declaring his father the true and rightful King.  He says Clan leadership have signed this in support of him.  Of course, Jamie’s name has been forged to the letter which officially makes him a traitor to the crown.  Since he has the name, he has the game, so he decides to go to Lord Lovat to get more men to fight in the Jacobite rebellion.  Of course, Jenny and Jamie argue.  Claire asks, “Who is Lord Lovat?” They both respond that he is their Grandfather. Then they argue until it comes out that Jamie’s father was a bastard, recognized by Lord Lovat, but a bastard nonetheless. They argue so much, Jenny can’t unbend her elbows.  Later, despite all of this, Claire and Jamie get it on while they still have a bed to sleep in.


Then Jamie does the cutest thing in all of DIA. Claire wakes up and he has left their bed.  She finds him downstairs talking Gaelic to Jenny’s baby late in the night.  Melt your heart!


Claire and Jamie head out to Lord Lovat’s castle.  If I had known what was going to happen, I would have jumped up from my chair and screamed, “Turn around!  There’s big trouble ahead and you don’t know it because it’s not in the book!”  But I didn’t and they didn’t.  Jamie takes Claire to meet the Host with the Least, Lord Lovat.  While waiting for him, they run into Colum MacKenzie, who is there to meet with the clans about the Jacobite Rebellion.  Claire greets Colum coldly, because she still thinks he caused her to be tried as a witch.  Colum tap dances (figuratively, have you seen those legs?) around to put blame on others!  


Jamie knows talking Lovat into helping will be twice as hard now.  As nasty as everyone said Lord Lovat was, they didn’t do him justice.  Claire worried about getting cleaned up before she meets him, but she would have been better served to roll in the pig sty. She would have matched him!  After he insults Jamie’s whole Famn Damily, he kicks Claire out of the discussion.  

pizap.com14675032860691Here it comes….the scary part that wasn’t in the book.  Claire is getting some much needed fresh air, when she runs into LEGHAIR!  She tells Claire that she came here with Colum to do his wash and help out.  Leghair gets on her knees and begs her forgiveness. She tells her that she has changed.  She trying to get right with God. Apparently Mrs. Fitz, Leghair’s grandmother, ripped her a new one when she found out what she did to Claire. Mrs. Fitz made Leghair vow to be a better person through kindness and good works, or she would make sure Leghair rots in hell forever.  All of this is the writers’ attempt to get the story back on track, because of the “Goosebumpy Bewb Baring”  in Season 1. 


I already addressed this Leghair scene in 212 in a prior blog so I won’t belabor it:


Suffice it to say, Leghair is back and she’s looking for forgiveness and a little bit of Jamie loving if she can get him to notice her!   Claire isn’t in the mood to forgive her, it ends in a stalemate.  Jamie takes Claire to dinner that evening as long as she promises not to talk.  Lord Lovat doesn’t mind a bit of beauty at the table, but he doesn’t want to hear a woman’s voice!  (I truly believe the only way he had any children was rape or artificial insemination.)  Jamie tries to convince the others to take an active roll in the Jacobite rebellion.  Colum argues for neutrality, and Lovat doesn’t say nay or yea! Claire is dutifully silent, but she has kicked Jamie so many times under the table, he’s limping!


During the dinner, Lovat’s youngest son, Simon,  makes some comments but his father humiliates him and his opinions. (Big surprise! He’s not a very nurturing father.) After dinner, the Frasers lament that Simon has no backbone.  If they could get him to support the rebellion, Jamie could get his foot in the door, with the Lovat Clan.  Claire has an idea.  She noticed Simon was crushing on Leghair.  Claire can use Leghair  to entice Simon to stand up for what he believes.  The next day, Claire finds Leghair doing the wash and sniffing it to make sure it’s clean.  Claire asks if she sniffing Jamie’s shirt, and Leghair doesn’t deny it, but assures Claire she did no harm. After clarifying that Simon will not touch her vaginally, Leghair agrees to boost his ego so she can get back in the Frasers’ good graces.  (Well, she really doesn’t care about Claire.)


Claire takes Simon for a walk so they can “run into” Leghair, accidentally.  While they talk, Claire goes into the church and finds Maisri.  She is the resident Seer, whom Claire witnessed Lord Lovat throwing out of his room.  It seems that Lord Lovat is superstitious, but doesn’t always like to hear what she has to say.  Maisri tells Claire that she saw an executioner with a sharp blade getting ready to decapitate Lord Lovat.  Then Leghair yells for Claire.   Apparently Simon ran off when Leghair tried to get him to look at her bewbs, after Claire specifically said not to use her girlish charms. ( I guess you can take the girl out of the slut, but you can’t take the slut out of the girl).  Claire hopes that some of what Leghair said will help Simon to stand up for what he believes, if he’s not too traumatized. 


Meanwhile Jamie is meeting with Lord Lovat.  He discovers that Lord Lovat wants Lallybroch, if he supports the rebellion.  Jamie says  that he can’t have it.  Lovat says that if he can’t have Lallybroch, how about Claire’s honor (meaning he’d have the clan guys show her the only thing for which she was made.  Is that a Clan Bang?) Jamie pulls the La Dame Blanche card.  He scares Lovat by telling him Claire will turn their privates to dust if they try to have their way with her!


At dinner that night, Colum is pushing Lord Lovat to be neutral in this fight, but Simon stands up bravely while looking at Leghair, and tells Colum and Lord Lovat, that they are just old men.   He says, “It’s time for everyone to stand up for Scotland.” He pledges himself to the battle.  The old man decides he will sign the neutrality agreement instead of committing to the war.  Just then Claire goes into La Dame Blanche mode and tells Lovat the future (as Maisri saw for him).


 They leave the next day to go join Bonnie Prince Charlie’s army.  Simon goes with them.  In the courtyard, Jamie says good bye to Colum.  Even though they disagree, it is evident that the two respect each other.   Then Claire asks Jamie to thank Leghair and she’ll tell him why later.  He goes over to her, and says, “I don’t know why, but Claire says I have to thank you.  So, thank you.”   Leghair blushes and giggles.  She rides off in a wagon with Colum and his dirty  laundry.  

Jamie, Claire, Simon and the men of Lallybroch head out, they notice a line of men standing on a ridge.  Simon tells him they are Lovat clansmen.  Lord Lovat tells Simon to go see to his men.  He tells Jamie that he is riding both sides of the fence and he can only win.  But he still wants Lallybroch.  He doesn’t mention any lusting for Claire aka La Dame Blanche.  


Everything was excellent in these episodes except for the Leghair scenes.  In my opinion, the time could have been used for Fraser sex. But you already know my take on that.  I hope you’re having fun with these blog posts.  If not, why are you reading this?  

Episodes 209 to 212 will be coming soon to a Church of Heughanology near you!