Church Bulletin #59 If I Only Had a Gun

After the outpouring of support for my last recap ( 3 people) I am charging onward with Episode 302.  I figured since I didn’t get any death threats or cease and desist orders, I would be safe enough.  I’m still hearing all kinds of thoughts from fans about how Starz is ruining Outlander.  Opinions range all the way from Sam and Cait are terrible as Jamie and Claire to stories about Ron and Terry leaving the show, getting divorced over creative differences, and fighting over the dog (none of which is true, yet).  I have continued my efforts to improve scenes from the show, just because I am so fiendishly creative and in tune with the books.  Also, I have nothing better to do…..so here goes!

Episode 302 

Surrender

This episode is about how Jamie, Claire, and Fraaank adapt to the cards the fates have dealt them.  It starts in 1757 with the three stooges of Lallybroch (Fergus, Rabbie and wee Jamie) going into the dovecoat (or doocut as Fergus pronounces it).  Anyone can tell they are looking for young boy trouble as they skulk into the building.  Suddenly, a pistol is being passed around.  Fergus brags about his war experiences and how he killed a man with a dagger.  His cohorts are suitably impressed as evidenced by their round eyes and “oooohs”!  They know they are playing with fire because pistols and guns are illegal as a result of the Jacobite uprising.  As they return to the house, they see the Redcoats out front with wee Jamie’s father, Ian.

It is here where we meet the nasty Corporal McGregor.  He is a Scottish turncoat who enlisted in the British army.    He does nasty things like pushing peg-leg Ian so he walks faster to the paddy wagon.  Fergus hates him and proceeds to taunt him.  This leaves MacGregor angry and looking for vengeance, even though he knows Fergus is right.

You see there is a new Sheriff in town, Captain Samuel Lewis, and he is determined to capture the Dun Bonnet, who he believes is aka Red Jamie aka James Fraser.  (I think he wants a promotion to “Assistant King” just like Lord Melton.)  He warns all of the Lallybroch crowd what the punishment is for hiding an enemy of the Crown.  He also mentions a sizable reward for the Dun Bonnet aka Red Jamie aka James Fraser’s capture, just in case there are any morally corrupt inhabitants in the area who would give up their “Laird” for a few sheckles.   Then they haul Ian off to jail. No one seems very concerned because Ian always comes back. 

 

In reality, Jamie does hide on the lands surrounding Lallybroch,  where he hunts for food for the family and lives in a cave.  He becomes more and more distant from humanity.  He gets hairier by day.  He talks to a  volleyball named Wilson for company.  (Yep, that’s where Tom Hanks got that from).

The next scene opens with Claire having a wet dream about Jamie…….

No matter how much she tries, she can’t seem to get him out of her mind.  

Despite her sexual fantasies, she works on improving her marriage and her child care skills.  She even delights in seeing Bree turn over by herself.  When Fraaank sees how excited she is, he runs downstairs in a towel talking about fixing the boiler.  He approaches Claire hoping to turn her on with his wet, pasty white, unmuscular body.  Claire does her best by reaching out to touch him with one finger.

Next we see Jamie in his cave cutting a fish.  I am hoping all the while watching this, that he plans to cook it, because it looks ghastly.  He hears a sound and sees Fergus approaching the cave.  When he gets inside, he tells Jamie about the Redcoats and shows him the pistol he found in the doocut.  He asks Jamie to teach him how to use it for the “next revolution”.  Jamie becomes angry and yells that there will never be another revolution again.  Fergus calls him a coward and Jamie forbids him to use the weapon.

Of course, the very next thing that happens is that Fergus shoots a raven off the roof when Jenny is giving birth to Baby Ian.   Jamie has come out of hiding to “cook the books”, since Ian is in jail.  The sound reverberates around the neighborhood and Jamie is furious with Fergus.  Of course, Captain Lewis and the hated Corporal MacGregor happen to be riding nearby, when they hear the shot! 

The Redcoats charge into the house, just after Jenny has the baby, lets Jamie hold it, and asks about his sex life (Jamie’s).

 

Captain Lewis and Slimeball MacGregor report they heard gunfire in the area.  They search the premises, even so much as to rip the covers off of Jenny’s birthing bed!  In the meantime, Jamie is hiding around the corner, holding the baby and trying to keep it quiet.  Now this man must have some special powers because he held that new born, hungry baby for a good five minutes and it never cried.  Maybe the baby thought he was a bear with all that hair!  When Captain Lewis sees a bunch of bloody hay by the fireplace, he realizes that a baby has just been born.   He questions Jenny since she is the only one in the bed.  She tells him that the baby was born dead and the midwife took it away to clean it up for burial.  Just as Lewis is going to send Slimeball to find the dead baby, Mary McNabb enters holding the pistol.  

Captain Lewis decides Mary is no threat and confiscates the pistol. The Redcoats leave and Jamie goes to dig a grave for the “dead baby” while handing the live one back to Jenny.  Incidentally, Jenny decided to admit that Ian was the father to at least one of her brood and named the new baby, Ian.  Too bad it was a girl.   (Not really, just a wee joke, ye ken?)

Next we find Claire sidling up to Fraaank.  I guess she decided to give him a new nickname, “Better Than Nothing”.   He is startled but believes her when she says she misses her husband.  I didn’t notice him asking her, “Which one?”.  Now I can’t prove it, but I think she was referring to Jamie.   If her breathing is any indication, those are Jamie moans if I ever heard them!

Next we see Ian being returned home by the British in a wagon.  Now, I hate to point out all the nasty things they do to the Scots, but putting handcuffs on Ian as he rides in an open wagon is disgusting!  How can he balance himself with only one normal leg and a peg leg? It must have felt like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride without all the laughter.  After he is dumped off, it appears that the escort detail leaves with the wagon.  But as Fergus is walking toward Jamie’s cave, he realizes he is being followed by them.  Guess who is in charge of the detail?  You got it, Slimeball!  Fergus leads them on a merry chase taunting them while he turns them away from the cave.  Slimeball catches Fergus and makes the other guy hold him down while he severs Fergus’ hand.  Then he has the gall to tell the men to leave him there to let Fergus bleed to death.  Jamie sees all of this as he hides in the woods.  He saves Fergus using the emergency medical techniques Claire taught him (applying a belt tourniquet to stop the bleeding) and takes him back to Lallybroch.  

Jamie feels very guilty because he did not interfere with what happened to Fergus. Then he runs into Mary McNabb (she always seems to meet up with him somewhere) near a Fraser Crest Tapestry that has been slashed by the British when they last searched the house.  He realizes the British will never give up and more tragedy will befall his family.   He considers his options…..

In the end he decides to get Jenny to turn him into the British.  By doing this he will accomplish several things.  The family will get the reward for turning him in and they will be viewed as British loyalists from that point forward.  Jamie will not have to live alone in a cave and will pay his debt to society (Ian points out that they don’t hang traitors any more and hell just have to go to prison.)  Jenny objects to Jamie being in yet again another prison.  He points out to her that he is already in prison.   They pick a date to do the deed.  The night before, Mary McNabb comes to visit Jamie at the cave.  She brings him food and a little bit of a little bit, if you get my drift. This is where Jamie uses his first pick-up line without Claire, “I havena done this in a very long time.”  I’m not sure if he is reassuring Mary that he doesn’t have an STD or if he is lowering her expectations regarding his stamina. 

After her time with Jamie, Mary realizes what she’s missing and opens a brothel that becomes a worldwide franchise success.

In order to give us a break from Jamie fornicating with someone other than Claire, the scene switches to the Randall family having a dinner party with the  Millie, the oversexed neighbor and her remedial husband, Jerry.  Apparently, Claire has made a dessert from scratch and Millie’s husband wants her to do the same.  Millie says no way about the cooking, but gets praised for her “other talents”.  Claire is having a few cocktails and gives Fraaank  “the look”. As soon as the neighbors leave, the Randalls are on the floor in front of the fireplace (reminiscent of the Claire and Jamie fireplace scene).  Did you notice that Frank grunted when he picked Claire up to put her legs around him and nearly drops her to the floor?  Smooth move , Frank.  

Fraank doesn’t listen to me, and tries to make Claire look at him while they are in the middle of it all.  Claire doesn’t want to look reality in the face and Frank realizes she has left him for a warmer climate.   He says, “Claire, when I am with you, I’m with you, but you are with him.”  Claire says only one word, “Yep”.  This signifies the end of their sex life.

 

Meanwhile. Jamie arrives at Lallybroch. as planned. and Jenny has arranged for the Redcoats to be there. They arrest Jamie, put him in chains because he resists, and walk him to the Paddy Wagon.  (Did anyone notice that the wagon looks like the same Paddy Wagon they used to haul off Claire and Gellis to the witch trial?) At his back he hears Jenny yelling, “It’s yer own fault and I’ll neever forgive ye for it!”  Jamie and I both wonder if she really means it!

 

Meanwhile, Claire decides that homemaking, child care and no sex is not enough for her (despite the fact that Bree is probably one of the sweetest, prettiest babies I have ever seen).

She decides that she wants to become a Doctor in an age where that is just beginning to happen.  She enrolls in Harvard Medical School and becomes the token woman next to the token black.

The episode ends with Claire walking past a bagpiper that Jamie seems to hear, too, which was confusing.  She gives him a donation.  Note to Bagpiper:  You’ll get bigger donations if you look like this:

See you soon with the next recap!  

Church Bulletin # 58 Outlander By Any Other Name – Episode 301

Some of my friends (only 3 ) wondered why I started the “Making Scenes Better” meme series for Outlander.  It started because I was frankly surprised at the animosity from the fans about how the writers were handling the long awaited Season 3.   I was happy to get any version that was even fractionally close to the original.   Some people were rabid about adhering to the book!  I continued to be concerned about Fraser sex.

Of all people, I realize how passionate we are about our love of Outlander.  However, I thought at some point that even President Twitter and The Mean Girls had entered the cacophony of opinions! I waited to see if things would settle down, but when it didn’t, I decided to act.  As usual, I poked fun at the conflict by making memes to “improve” the writer’s work, just like everyone else only different. 

Since I believe a picture is worth at least 10 words, my series was born.  Admittedly, I am only up to episode 304 with my current meme series but I will catch up.  My recaps are miserably behind, also, like I actually never started them.  Consequently, I will be entertaining you with yet another episode recap that has the marked disadvantage of creating material that someone else probably already wrote!  However, here is an exclusive scene that ended up on the cutting room floor.  It happened right after Claire went through the stones.

Episode 301

The Battle Joined

This episode reveals to us the separate battles that Jamie and Claire faced after they left each other at the standing stones at the end of Season 2.   The opening scenes show the immediate aftermath of the Battle at Culloden.  We see torn Jacobite flags and weapons being tossed in wagons, while soldiers pick the pockets of the dead and stab any Scots still alive in the piles of corpses on the fields. Jamie is still alive and drifting in and out of consciousness, but no one seems to notice him (as if).   Admittedly, it was difficult  to find something funny about this scene.   However, I did wonder who was on top of Jamie, even though I’ve read the book .  

All right, all right.  Back off!  Everyone knows I have no heart. Everyone knows that I’ll make fun of anything.  If you came to this blog for hearts and flowers,  you’ll have a hard time finding any.  Get over it!  Anyway, I was surprised when he found out that BJR was keeping him warm, that he didn’t jump up, and run away screaming.   I guess it is a bit difficult when you’re bleeding to death.  

Attention! Back to my recap and make it snappy! 

So Jamie slips in and out of it while memories of the battle flash in his mind.  Of course, I couldn’t resist correcting and improving this scene!

Eventually Jamie kills BJR, but his death scene was, well, ridiculous.  RDM raved about Tobias Menzies in this scene, but all I wanted to do was laugh.  As BJR is taking his final breath, he looks a Jamie lovingly, reaches out for him, falls forward, and dies kissing Jamie’s neck.   This is a scene out of Monty Python if I ever saw one!

Well, the war is plain awful and there’s nothing more to say except that Bonnie Prince Charlie is just a Foppy Flop and he went on to live a long but miserable life!  That Irish guy, O’Sullivan, telling the Prince that the cannon fire is just a diversion from the British, is ridiculous! Murtaugh shows up, too, but disappears mysteriously and it’s all just messy!

One good memory that Jamie has from the battle was……

 

 

Later on,  Jamie is saved by the ghost of Claire who turns into Rupert who carries him off the battlefield to a semi-roofless stable.

Meanwhile, Claire is fighting her own battle starting a life with Fraaank in Boston. They look for a house, meet the neighbors and visit Fraaank’s cronies at Harvard.  Many times during this transition, Claire wishes she had stayed with Jamie at Cuilloden and died.

 

While Fraaank does a lousy impression of John Wayne and says Claire should “Rustle up some vittles”, Claire does her best to not kill him with her six-shooter.

The episode returns to Jamie who is now laying in the stable.  The British discover the group hiding there and proceed to execute the Jacobite soldiers one by one.  Jamie watches as each of the men, including Rupert and the two 16 year old boys, are taken out, tied to a post and shot.  Jamie cries (in a very manly way).  The executions are overseen by Lord Melton, who we later find out is connected to Jamie’s past in an unusual way. 

I suppose that there is some dignity in all of this, because Rupert thanks Lord Melton for shooting him as opposed to hanging.  Lord Melton also shows his effort to provide a dignified death by insisting that the men, who are so injured that they cannot walk, will be supported so they can be standing up to be shot, despite their pain.  How kind can anyone get?

 

It gets to be Jamie’s turn to be shot and when he says his name, “James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser”, Lord Melton’s back gets even stiffer!

Lord Melton realizes he must honor his brother’s vow of honor by sparing the life of the notorious Red Jamie.   He orders his assistant to put Jamie in a wagon and bribe someone to take him back to his home.    Once again, Jamie avoids imminent death.  When Jamie arrives at Lallybroch, he is greeted by his loving sister and Ian.

Meanwhile, Claire is in Boston fighting off Fraaank’s advances and delivering a healthy baby girl.  When Claire’s hormones kick in she gets all teary-eyed and tells Fraaank they can have a new beginning.  Fraaank agrees because he thinks he can still get some from her.  Then the nosy nurse comes in and wants to know how the baby got her red hair.  

So that’s my take on Episode 301. I think the writers did a fine job with this episode , but I think they could have enhanced the scenes based on my advice.  Since I am not  being paid to enhance their work, I guess my viewpoint is moot.  So are the hundreds of other amateur critics from our fandom!  It’s kind of like attending a hockey game and sitting in front of an amateur color commentator.  They offer comments throughout the game which are usually off the mark.  I often turn my head all the way around and say :

 See you soon with my scintillating unpaid commentary on episode 302!

How about those Bolts?