Let Me Entertain You and We’ll Have a Real Good Time, Oh Yeah

 

 

As Chief and Only High Priestess of the Church of Heughanology, it is part of my duties, to explore basics of the lifestyle (not a religion), in greater depth.  One of the most vexing realities of our dogma is Starz Tease Expertise.   In the Language of Heughanology, this term was defined as follows: 

 

Tease Expertise: The art of revealing almost all of an area on Sam’s body, without actually showing much of anything.  This can be very difficult during high winds and rainstorms.  Starz is particularly talented in Tease Expertise.

This is not a new technique.   It is a time tested, well known tactic, to keep someone or something interested (as in the dangling carrot) in someone or something without giving away the whole garden.

 

Who has not looked at this picture 1,000 times and thought, “If Only the black part of the picture could be 6 inches lower” and/or “Sam, jump up and down twice. Please!” and/or   “We need more light” It’s hot, but frustrating.  Starz Tease Expertise.

This one is a favorite in which Sam looks as if he is saying, “Am I really going to expose myself like this?” and then goes for it, but only so much.  Even Cait is dipping her head to get a little better angle on the view.  Can you imagine how many times they had to practice this to get the right amount of tease factor?  Too little…too much?  Starz Tease Expertise.

Meme courtesy of @SirenSassenach

 

Sam is not alone with having this problem.  Notice Cait’s bewbs (how could we not?)

First of all we need to commend Sam for keeping his eyes on her eyes.  He may have used his peripheral vision for the first 6 episodes of the series, but in this shot, he is trying to be a gentleman, truly.  Now Norma D is a woman’s woman, but even I had the urge to push those puppies inside her dress!   I wonder if she had a person just to make sure the nips were not showing there.  Starz Tease Expertise.

How did Cait not breathe a sigh of relief when he got to the last lace on that bustier?  How did she not ask him to scratch her back?  Great acting!

Our problem is the biggest tease of all –Droughtlander!  Starz has extended the tease beyond all limits of endurance.   We only have so many pictures in which to cull physical information about Himself.  We have closely examined every scene, every nuance, i.e. “Did ya no see the strumpet at the wedding?”

Now we are a bunch of dangling carrots.  Starz Tease Expertise.

We need the outtakes more than one time a month (on the 4^th).  I haven’t had the  “curse”  for some time, but it sounds strangely reminiscent.     I encourage revolt.   Deluge Starz with requests for more images and outtakes.  We are sick of entertaining ourselves!  I’ve resorted to writing this stupid blog!

Listen Starz, we are fed up!  And after Thanksgiving,  our followers feel like this:

Because Himself is Happy with the Ladies of Outlander

Sam Heughan has remarked that the outpouring of support from our congregation is a blessing!  He gets all tingly about it.

Here are 2 great jib jab cards shared by Church of Heughanology member @HolaasSandy .

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Because Himself is Happy

Use as a wellness approach, It is recommended as a prn morning pick me up.

The performance features Himself and a few friends.

(And Sam tried to tell us he can’t  sing.)

Ladies of Outlander

For those of you who prefer a lovely female voice. this sexy tune will wake you up anytime!   Get down, Mrs. Fitz!

I hope you enjoy.  Remember laughter is the best medicine.

And if my damn butler doesn’t get my car here soon, I will be late for my meeting with Mr. DeMille!

I am all about that bass!

Norma D

The Secret of Our Success

 

Starting a blog at any time can be daunting, your first is even more so.  Norma D and her minion only started on Twitter in mid-October and then started this site, less than 7 days ago.  The goal was to have fun.  Chief and Only High Priestess, Norma D., and her Primary Handmaiden, have been totally overwhelmed and honored by the response.   In less than 7 days the site has had over 1200 views with some very kind remarks along the way.  Considering Norma D was also preparing for her close up with Mr. DeMille, and had many appointments for mani-pedis, facials, rehearsals, script reviews (for a silent film) and other distractions, this is phenominal.

In addition, neither she nor her minion know a damn thing about blogging or linking or whatever the hell else one needs to know about to be successful building a following.

Norma D was concerned about offending someone with her sarcasm and slightly risqué approach to the CoH dogma and her Primary Handmaiden had to talk her down from the ledge several times.

Hovering over their head was the terror of Himself finding the site and being royally pissed!  (They are expecting the cease and desist order at any time)

But nothing happened except what they hoped would.  Like minded crazies who adore all that is Sam, would find a place of acceptance, learn to speak in a common language and just have some darn good fun!   So far that is what has happened.   That is how they (Norma D. & her Handmaiden) defined success.

 

One of the comments said, “You know us! “  One asked for on-line courses.  Most just “laughed so hard they peed” (aka Twitter Incontinency).  We even got linked to the Columbia Health site.  They are looking for volunteers from our “Church”.  Someone is going to have a surprise when they check into our site!

 

A recent discussion about the used kilt section mentioned in 100k, now wants to include cloning from the DNA on the kilts.  Some wanted their own Sam, with and without verbal skills. Some wanted only certain phrases i.e. “I thought my heart would burrrrst!”  or “It doesna matter where you come from, you’re herrrre, Claire.”  “I said I was a virrrrgin, not a monk.  If I need help, I’ll ask.”    Some wanted other things like, “You’rrre awesome, my love!” or “I will love you forrrrever!”  We are not sure if they really want a clone.   Perhaps a puppet or doll with a string you can pull so it talks and a button to push for other things one might want it to do would suffice.   They also suggested a “Coins for Clones” fundraiser.

 

Another thread of conversation for the membership has been around road trips. Here’s our initial transportation offering:

 

@beulahcrusoe offered to take her car:

However upon realizing we all suffer from Twitter Incontinence, she offered an alternative that was more appropriate, and less conspicuous.

 

Many are planning to go to North Carolina for season 5 filming.  Residents are eagerly looking forward to our visit.

 

Others are preparing their prosthetics to go to San Diego Comic Con dressed as blind old women for easier access to the front row.

 

Obviously, a need has been filled and Norma D has a full time job!  The website has purchased her a car.

 In addition we have added new terms to our common language with more to come.

“Samfriggintabulous”

On behalf of all who embrace the doctrines of the Church of Heughanology, we thank you for your overwhelming support.   It isn’t 100k, but certainly 100 times what was expected.   We will continue to meet the needs of our members.  Thank you all!!

100k

Today is the Greatest day in in the history of The Church of Heughanology.  The very man who inspired a whole new lifestyle (not a religion) has reached 100k followers on Twitter!    If that is not an indication of all that is the Sam Hueghan experience, I don’t know.

As COHP. I have been swamped with requests for what Sam can do to thank the people (a rather open-ended remark, I might add) for their support. The problem is that he put the offer on the very same Twitter account with 100k followers.    I am so verklempt, I started smoking again.  I only have 5,000 tweets , so far, but the some of the requests can be categorized as follows (although there are some outliers

I don’t know where to put):

Fathering a Child:  Both Female and Male followers have requested this.  One man said he would even open a sperm bank in Sam’s honor.   People, people, even if he would, there are 100,000 of you!  There is only so much of that to go around!

Build an Outlander theme park:  There were several who thought this was a great idea, because they could not travel all the way to Scotland for the Outlander experience tours.  A suggested name for the park is Outlander Land (see below).   If theme parks were strategically placed, travel and expense for followers could be reduced.   Some of the suggested rides are “Climb the Sam Heughan Munro” ,  A Great White Shark Tagging Tank,   Wentworth Prison Survival Course , Horse Riding  in the Rain and Cold,  Dougal Corn Grinding Hut,  the Wedding Night Rehearsal Ride, and Claire’s Wee Herb Emporium featuring hallucinogenic, non-poisonous herbs to enhance your theme park experience.   Far Out!

@sniskybobfry via Twitter

Claire’s Wee Herb Emporium – Ive Got Something that Will Make You Feel Groovy

 

Great White Shark Tagging

Used Kilt Recycling: Since fans know Sam is into the environment, some followers wanted an eco-friendly gift from him, his used kilts.   It is unnecessary for them to be washed, and most prefer they not be.  Followers said they would make them into underwear, bed sheets, pillow covers, purses, hats, quilts, and other useful items.  One follower said she would cut them into 12” x 12” squares to use as a handkerchief.  They didn’t care if it was a Clan MacKenzie or Clan Fraser plaid.

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Swimming Lessons: 

After viewing some of the pictures from the stageplay, Amphibians, some followers requested swimming lessons from Sam both in and out of the water.  It could be thoughtful gift to keep a loved one safe while swimming.

 

These are just a few of the suggestions from fans about what Sam can do to thank them for their support.   The requests are piling up.

Sam, if you ever make a statement like this again on Twitter with your 100k+ followers, I will throttle you! 

Fondly, Norma D

How It All Began

In the Beginning

Norma D.

Chief and Only High Priestess of Heughanology

  As I sit waiting to assist acolytes with church guidance, I reflect how The Church of Heughanology came into being.   I recall the night I received my calling.  About four weeks ago I had watched the Wedding episode on Outlander for the 125^th time.   I retired feeling a little guilty about overdoing the slow motion on the DVR.   In my dreams, I had a vision.     It was Sam Heughan.   He came to me in all of his glory and gave me some Scottish pearls.  He seemed to have quite a few strands in his sporran, which made me leery (Not Leghair).

Is that some pearls in you sporran or are you just happy to see me?

After the eyegasms and kegeltingles subsided, He begged me to help him start a church for his followers.  He wanted it to be a place where all devotees could find answers and friendship.   He said that only I had the skills he needed to make that happen.  I hesitated, but after he French kissed me, I was sold!  (OMG he is so big and muscular!)  Then he said I should call myself the Chief and Only High Priestess of Heughanology.   I felt like a crown had been placed on my head.     Afterward, I laid back on my fainting couch and smoked a cigarette.   I wanted to determine the basics steps I would need to begin.  First, I needed to handpick a minion to assist me in my work.   Since I was in labor for 3 months with my second born child, I recruited her for the position of Primary Hand Maiden to the COHP.  She would be placed in charge of Fan Art and any blog corrections.  Incidentally her page is titled Hand Maiden Tales.  (Submissions should be sent to highpriestessofsam@gmail.com)   Secondly, I would need to make sure everyone understand that this was not a religion.   There is another Church out there who puts itself out as a religion (I can’t specifically name it for fear of legal action).  In reality like The Church of Heughanology, it is a lifestyle choice.   I did not want to be dealing with the about tax evasion.     We pay taxes!   So I developed our tagline:

A Lifestyle, Not a Religion

  Next, I wanted to prepare some rules.   I was tempted to use the 10 Commandments, but this is a secular site and they didn’t really fit with our objectives.   The whole business about coveting, adultery and all of that made me squeamish, given the adoration of all that is Sam Heughan by our married followers.  Hell flashed before my eyes.

So I started with 18 by-laws which would give members a guideline for their behavior.    Basically….   So the religion was born from a vision, one that came to me in my dreams.  I have been anointed by Himself to turn that dream into a reality.    Truly.   My next article will be about development of the Language of The Church of Heughanology and the Levels of Membership.

Welcome to the Church of Heughanology

Welcome to a brand new site designed to celebrate all that is Sam Heughan and all who admire him.   I was introduced to Twitter by my daughter recently and became involved with some devotees of Sam Heughan and Outlander.   After 4 weeks I have about 150 followers.  I think people like that I am pretty quick with funny responses and am slightly risqué.    So I am launching my virgin blog.  (Warning:  This is an adult site.  Children should not enter this site.  Childish adults are welcome, however).  I have used many of the wonderful works of those whom I have met on Twitter and have attempted to make sure they are identified, if possible.  I hope this serves as a fun time for all.  My plan is to add articles, links to other fun blogs (as soon as I know how) so that our knowledge, language and level of involvement increases.   Please let me know what I can do to improve the church member experience.  This site is not affiliated with any religious organization, we are a Lifestyle choice.    Your Chief High Priestess , Norma D.